SOMEONE PLEASE SHOW ME IN THE BIBLE WHERE IT TALKS ABOUT PROTOCOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two weeks ago I visited my friend's church, let's call him Miller, for the sake of argument.  I went to my church and after service was over there I joined him at his church.  I've been friends with this man for most of the time I've lived in Alabama.  He attended my oldest son's wedding and married my youngest son and his wife.  He's a person I'm always thrilled in my spirit to see and he's been a huge blessing in my life.  I did have a great deal of respect for him until yesterday.

While attending his church the preacher told everyone who needed healing to hold their hands up and instructed his prayer team to go and touch these people.  I don't specifically remember hearing him say it but being who I am I just flowed with the spirit.  There was a couple sitting behind me who were standing there alone and I didn't think anything about it, I walked over and took both their hands.  The man squeezed my hand so hard when he mentioned diabetes.  Then there was the big circus show of the all the people who came to the front of the church to tell everyone how they'd been healed.

Yesterday when I mentioned to him to save me a seat that I intended on visiting his church, this is the gist of the conversation we had.

He said someone asked him who I was because they saw me, never mind we were all supposed to be praying, but obviously this person was looking around.  He told her who I was and she proceeded to tell him to let me know I was out of line that I am only a visitor to that church and what I did was inappropriate.

It was like being punched in the stomach,

When he realized it had offended me, he said, "I didn't know you would take it like that and there are certain protocols that have to be followed."  He said my being offended was coming from a place of ignorance.  He also took the time to explain to me that if I was in the streets, with drug addicts and homeless people and prostitutes and praying for people then that would be fine.  (This was insult to injury as far as I'm concerned)

I promptly let him know I come from a place of no protocol and that my preacher is not only my friend and leader he has as much confidence in my anointing as his own.  I also let him know that had God thought I was out of order He would have promptly corrected me  I said, "Oh we wouldn't want anyone other than our church members coming in here for God to perform miracles through, wouldn't want them touching our members getting something on them, that's what it comes down to."

The saddest most devastating part of all was he didn't even try to comfort me or make me feel any better about it, he just finished his call with me.  These people claim to be apostolic, to have great anointing on their life.

There are churches that tell you you are welcome, until you don't look like them, you don't dress like them, you don't have the same haircut, you don't have the same fancy bible, until your shoes don't look a certain way and you better not have anything wrong with you, because, well, you just better not.

Grace has opened my eyes to alot of things and I have zero tolerance for the foolishness of other Christians.  It's frustrating that these people are supposed to be my brothers and sisters and they are condemning people, making people feel unwelcome, running people off who desperately need God and are having so little affect for the kingdom.

I sent him a text message later, when I stopped crying, when God calmed me down about it and it said, "That came out sounding like if you were in the street with all those folks you come from then it's perfectly alright if God moves then just not here.  Wow I am more than offended I am devastated and God talks to me too.  He would have let me know quick if I was wrong.  He does any other time loud and clear.  Yeah he really started talking to me for the first time ever six months ago when I put everybody out my house.  I am the church I don't play church Miller.  I love you don't worry about the seat that's why the church is ineffective no one is really welcome unless they fit into the criteria of the protocol.  When your preacher preaches on homosexuality and the supreme court tomorrow I pray your heart recognizes it's not coming from a place of love and that's not grace."

No reply.

My friend of all these years, didn't even feel the need to try to comfort me, build me back up, say anything in my defense whatsoever, I was completely wrong.

This is what my preacher deals with everyday, I deal with this!  There are so many people playing church and trying to scare the hell out of people that the world is still going to hell.  

Grace is a place of unconditional love, the love of Jesus.  

For the time being I do not want to continue my friendship with this person and I don't want people like this in my life because there are people who have lots of questions who are on the brink of getting saved and these kind of people spout off a mixed message and all the good is cast into confusion.  God has assigned me to be a fisher of men, I had no idea there was a protocol to that command.  I haven't seen anything in the bible about protocol and I've read it enough that if I missed even ten times I would have seen something about it by now.  I know that God is not the author of confusion and being told this by someone who supposedly loves me who is supposed to be a brother spun me out into confusion.  The spirit has never stopped me, not once, and said, "Now Darlene you have to follow protocol to do this."  What is protocol?  

The bible is not a baseball bat, scripture is not to be thrown around at people, twisted up to mean what we want it to, to hurt others, to point out other people's faults, their sin shall we say.

I'll be honest, since I started chasing God the only time I've heard the word sin is out of all the great church people.  I've not given it a second thought as to my sin.  I talk with God all day long and not once has he said to me, "Darlene we're going to have to deal with all this sin in your life."

What ignorance and don't get me started about the people who are always talking about the devil and what he's doing to them, oh my goodness!

Jesus dealt with sin once and for all at the cross, why can't His own people understand that?

There are times when I'm completely overwhelmed at how the world looks better than the church and I'm sure that's God letting me see what others see.  No one wants to go to church and come out feeling all beat up, that's not how it is supposed to be.  The gospel is good news, Jesus loves you, nothing can separate you from the love of God, you are welcome in the kingdom.  No wonder people think they aren't good enough, no wonder they church hop and they can't settle down because they are still seeking that which needs to be found for them.

I have a serious issue with being called a Christian for the simple fact the Christians don't act anything like Christ, they just wear nice suits and carry nice bibles, there is no light shining from them.  I want to be like Jesus, the light of the world, I call myself a Jesus Freak or a Renegade of Grace, you will never hear me call myself a Christian.  I don't want anyone associating me with that bunch!

I want to look like Jesus, not the people who claim to know Him.

It's not even amazing to me anymore, the mean people who call themselves the church, I'm not surprised by any of it, I'm hurt and angry but I am not a bit surprised and there is nothing amazing about it.  They look crazy, they make pimps and drug dealers look like people you'd want to be friends with.

They are posers, they are wolves dressed in sheep's clothing, they are everything other than what they claim to be and all you have to do is stand around and watch them long enough to see that.

I've heard all kinds of horror stories from God's grace people about what they experienced when they were hurting and wounded and broken and trying to find peace in their lives.

Please, whatever you do when talking about me, don't tell anyone I'm a Christian because I am not!  I am a Renegade of Grace, I am a Jesus Freak, I am a child of God and if you don't believe me just watch me walk it out in love.

Until next time, love everyone, practice not having an opinion and make your journey too.

God bless

Embracing Change

There is an old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." but that's not true, dogs can learn new tricks at any age and are eager to do so.
People fight against change rather than embrace it, just like the flesh fights against the spirit, even though the spirit is stronger and has more peace.
The world is changing almost daily and people just refuse to give up old traditions, they want to argue and disagree on old things and they do.  They can't stand for things to be different and they fight against new things.
Change is good where I come from and from where I stand today.  My life had to change or I was going to die and all change was good.  I live by the philosophy that change can and will be good, because God loves me and has great plans for me.
From the moment white people set foot on  American soil there has been theft and murder and slavery and war.  We stole America from the Indians, we stole Africa from the black people and now people are all up in the air because the government is stealing their southern heritage and turning it into a symbol of racism.  Why are we any different than anyone else who has been mistreated by this country?
The winds of change are blowing and people still won't stick together, they still squabble over the slightest things.  They still disagree on scripture and lifestyle and everything under the sun.
The enemy is buried deep in our country and his job is to steal, kill and destroy, divide and conquer and he's doing a really good job of it from what I see.  I never like to give him credit but looking at the big picture of America and all the things going on in it, that's what I see.
We are supposed to be united, to stand together, to stand up for each other and still there is the back and forth.
Now everyone seems so surprised they've taken down the confederate flag.
All change is not good, but ranting and raving about things that cannot be changed makes people look insane and they don't really even care about the things that can be changed, that are good changes.
The same thing goes on in the church.  The church refuses to give up old traditions and the law and move into grace and love.
It's the same all the way around, the difference is embracing the change, either way.
I've got more important things to do with my life than argue, rant and rave, worry myself over things I can't change, when there are so many lives to save, so many people who still need to know Jesus loves them.

Run Like a Prodigal and the question God asked me this morning

Its gotten so hot lately I'm getting out really early in the morning, to do some things that need to be done, before the heat really starts warming up the asphalt.  I'm outside, all geared up, sunglasses, towel, christian internet radio going in my ears, the blower wide open.  What you should know is the whole facility is my home and I like my home to be clean and presentable so there are necessary evils that go along with that.  If you need a mental picture it's half the size of a football field and there is asphalt, lots of it.

Yesterday was father's day and had me feeling a certain kind of way because everyone seemed to have such great dads and had normal relationships, if a relationship of any kind can be normal, and here I was knowing what I know about my own dad and well, that's not what I'm talking about this morning.

Halfway down the aisle this song comes on telling you to "run like the prodigal" and that's when the tears started to freely flow down my cheeks.  The same thing happens in the car or truck sometimes, that moment when the dam breaks and God starts talking to me.

I let someone push me over the edge last week and before it was over with my last post was, "Kiss my tattooed ass!" and I left it there and went to bed.  When I got up the next morning I took it down and I don't know who saw it but it put me in a place of shame. 

I'm listening to this song and the tears are streaming down my face and He said to me, "Darlene how many times have you told someone to kiss your ass?" and I was stunned for a second.  Then I laughed, because it was so funny he would ask me that.  When I didn't say anything he said, "You've told other people lots of other things worse than that and you were still my girl then."

"I'm perfect sweety, you are redeemed.  I bought you out of this world when you'd already been in it for a while.  It had done things to you, you'd seen things, you had become a person with no boundaries and still I loved you.  You're still a little rough around some of the edges, you still have issues and until now you always stand so tall and proud for me.  Don't bow down to mistakes Darlene, you are still my child, I still have something so important for you to do.  Are you going to let a set back as small as this shut you down?  Look how far you've come and there is still a long way to go child, you better pick yourself up by your boot straps and get back on your job, because you still work for me."

How do you argue with God?  I'm not saying I haven't but how do you argue with Him when you know He is right?  I'm still releasing the dam, there are still tears pouring down my cheeks, but it's alright, it's all the stuff that has no room in me.  It's all the sorrow I carry around for everyone else, it's all the things I keep to myself until they have to come out to make room for all of it all over again. 

How many people can say God asked me how many people I've told to kiss my ass?  I know, I'm laughing too.  

He's amazing!  He just loves me more and more.  He keeps picking me back up and showing me the way.  

Grandmother

I never knew how sweet being a grandmother actually was until I had grandchildren.  I didn't know God was going to put this unexpected immeasurable love in their heart for me.  It's one of life's greatest mysteries, how they instantly love us.

I am amazed by it every single day, this love I did not earn.  I don't pay their bills, or sit up nights when they are sick, or provide for any of their immediate needs but they love me with a fierceness.

My own grandmother is 88, in an old folks home, doesn't know who I am anymore, but I still send her letters and tell her about all of us, so she might remember.  I love my grandmother, spent a great deal of time and weekends at her house growing up and even at age 44 when I went to see her on my vacation I slept with her like I always have.

My most prized possessions are some black and white pictures my daddy took of she and I together when I was around seven or eight.  They are all over my house and I see her in them everyday.  

She was a good looking girl, tall, wavy auburn hair, with nothing more than some lipstick on.  I have a picture of her and her sister walking down the street holding hands.  She told me girls always held hands then and there were vendors on the street that would take your picture and sell it to you.  This particular picture was one of those.  I remember asking for a copy of it and it was hysterically funny how every house I went to that day had a copy of the photograph.  That picture has to be over sixty years old.

Now we have the digital age and I'm so thankful because I don't really have any baby pictures of my youngest son, but I have tons of pictures of everyone now.

I am a grandmother 13 times over.  They are the most interesting and fantastic people I have ever met in my entire life!  They are pleasant and easy going and there's nothing they do that upsets me, much to the displeasure of their parents at times.

I speak to them as though they are grown, I do not spank because we have an understanding and it's that you mind Nanny and that's all there is to it.  I let them do things I would have never allowed my own children to do, like riding bikes in the house, jumping on furniture and beds, going in my refrigerator for goodies.  They make me laugh, they make my heart splash on the floor and they make my life have new meaning.

The Homeless Man

This morning, standing on the corner up from my house, was the man I bought lunch for Easter was a year ago. I'll never forget that day, it was about a hundred degrees out and he didn't have any shoes on. He was standing at the on ramp on the Boulevard. Antoine Murphy said, "You're fixin to get out of the truck aren't you?"
Of course I was! He hugged me so big that day, telling me how people were looking down on him. When I saw him I immediately knew who he was because he has beautiful green eyes and how could you forget someone who was so happy to get a hug? Someone who needed to be shown some love so badly? He's still in the street, just like my husband and so many others. It reminded me that all this time he's remained in bondage to whatever it is that has hold of him. Phil Bevilacqua talks about people being in cages even though the door is standing wide open. I don't judge him because I used to be him. I don't judge anyone, it's the state of their hearts I'm interested in, not what they are doing, what they look like, what they smell like, who they hang with. What's important to me is God has brought me a mighty long way, I've been forgiven much so I love much. There are so many people in the world standing in cages even though the door is open. Love everyone, give to everyone you can, smile at everyone you meet, you don't know what they are going through, they need love as badly as you do. Remember that next time you are tempted to look down on that guy standing on the street corner, he could very well be you, standing in a cage with the door open. Ride or Die!

Precious Warrior Jill

Jill Patience Browning is on everyone's mind tonight, as we all go to bed counting our blessings and thinking of those we love. I've been thinking about her all day, just like so many others. My mind kept flashing back to pictures she's posted during this time, always smiling, always trudging on. We are all better people for having known her. I've watched and cheered her on as best I could and tonight as I go to bed, my heart isn't heavy because man she's fought such a great fight, all with a smile on her face and I know who she will be meeting when her fight is ended. Tonight with tears streaming down my face, having lost my mother to the same fight, I cheer her on into glory! Father receive my friend, comfort us in our loss, give us beauty for our ashes and I thank you she won't be sick anymore. I thank you there won't be another chemo treatment for her to suffer. I thank you for her life and the inspiration she's been to all of us. I thank you for the countless prayers we've sent up on her behalf. I thank you for preparing a place for her and loaning her to us while we were here together. Be with her family Lord, replace their tears with peace and comfort and laughter and let us always remember the great warrior she taught each and every one of us to be!

Man Hating (WOW)

Everyone has had their heart broken, everyone has ruined a good relationship by making a big mistake, whether it was on purpose or not.
I'm seeing an entire generation of women hating on men.  They don't want one, or so they claim, and their posts are so vicious and mean, they don't have to worry about finding one either.  They say things like, "I don't need a man.", or "I can take care of myself.", the list goes on and on.  They rant on and on about how he won't do this and he won't pay his child support and he's this that and the other.
You can't make anyone do anything!
If he wasn't taking care of his other children what possessed you to have one with him and expect things to be different?  What made you think your child was more special?
You don't need a man, right?  So why do you spend every waking moment dogging him out to give you his money?  Why is he expected to do anything for you when you don't need him?  If he's that bad why would you want someone like that coming around?
It's the same thing when a woman starts seeing a man who is with someone else.  If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you, and furthermore you can never trust him, because you can't even trust yourself.  What makes you more special than her?  Absolutely nothing.  You are condoning his bad behavior the minute you decide to have a relationship with him.
My motto has always been never let one person ruin you for everyone else.
In my journey I have met alot of men who have let some girl tear them down so bad, they are mad at the rest of us and think we are all alike:  the same goes for women.
People often treat others like toys, they want what they want until they see something else they think they want and just like a small child they discard whatever is in front of them and move on to the next.
I've met several men recently and one even had the nerve to ask me when I was going to sleep with him.
Excuse me, I don't know what kind of women you've been dating but that's not the kind of woman I am and I am never going to sleep with you because you aren't my husband!  Give me a break!  
When am I going to sleep with you?  Seriously?
When are you going to put a big fat ring on my finger, give me your last name and pay my bills?
There are times when I am so offended about it, but God always reminds me that He is the standard and people who don't know him don't have standards.
My friends will say, "You've got it going on girl!"
In the end I just want to go take a shower.  When are you going to sleep with me?
I've been hurt, I've been used, cheated on, lied to and discarded like yesterday's toy but I am not angry with anyone about it: I am not holding it against the entire race of men, because what happened to me happened with one person and it's that person's problem not mine.
I'm not perfect so don't get it twisted, I just know it's not everyone's fault that one or two people have a problem.  We all have issues and some are worse than others.
In all of this man hating I see, I feel great pity for the women who do it.  They wear their hurt on their sleeve for everyone to see and they want to shout about it from the rooftops.  They want everyone to know what a terrible person he is and how he falls short as a human being.  They have a hundred foot barrier around them that keeps anyone decent from getting in.  They alienate anyone who could possibly care and push away anyone who tries to help them get past it.  In all this rage and hurt they devalue themselves trying to rip him to pieces and in the end they come out looking like they need to get help and nothing gets solved with the person they are constantly ranting about.
It's not everyone's fault that someone hurt you.
It's not everyone else's fault you don't understand that you can't make anyone do anything.
It's not everyone else's fault you can't find the strength to let it go and move on.
It's not everyone else's fault you refuse to forgive that person so you can get better.
Me personally, I like men, I am looking forward to the next good one God sends me and for the first time in my life I know exactly how to treat him.
I don't hate my soon to be ex-husband, I still love him.  He was good to me when he was able to be good to me.  He made me feel beautiful and wanted and even if he wasn't able to provide for me.  I never held it against him, who he was, what he was, being without him.
I did my best to make him a King.  When he was in prison I wrote him letters everyday.  I talked to him about everything, made him my best friend, kept him mentally in the world with me.  I planted seeds of hope in him, I planted seeds of dreams in him, I planted seeds of love in him, it's not his fault the only seeds that bloomed were the seeds of love.
I knew he was a drug addict when I met him.  I was just as bad off as he was when we first got together.  I knew what I was getting and I knew the challenges I would face going into the situation.
In the end it was my expectations that really got things twisted up.  He couldn't deliver anything I expected and that put us in a whole new place.
The day I couldn't show him understanding and unconditional love anymore, was the day I loaded him into my truck and took him back home.  There's no reason to destroy him, he can do that to himself.
I'm not angry with him, I will not bash and beat him down, I can only walk peacefully away, because I have done all I could possibly do and I've come to the end of the road with it.
I made a decision there were things I couldn't live with and if I couldn't be cool calm and collected there was nothing more I could do.
At the end of the day he didn't do anything to me, he did it all to himself and I have no reason to hate him.  I still lay in bed at night and ask God to watch over him.  I still believe he can come to his senses one day and get his life together, I just can't hang around and wait for that to happen because I no longer want to.
I'm still standing here wondering if I'm capable of loving anyone the way I've loved him.  He still loves me which is why he won't sign the divorce papers.
I forgive him, I forgave him the minute he got out of my truck and I didn't do any of this to intentionally hurt him.
The best thing we can do in relationships is not expect anything from the other person and pour out all the good we have on them.  It was always what I could do for him, I never even noticed what I was lacking in my life because I was doing that.  It was always what was the next right thing to do to try to help him get better.
I never tried to change him, I just kept showing him how good life could be without drugs and he kept going back, no matter how good our life together was.

Johnny Cash

In case you didn't know, after I meet God, no matter how long that encounter will be, He's going to let me meet Johnny Cash who loved him so much he left one company who said people wouldn't buy records if he sang about Jesus, the minute his contract ended and the man sang about Jesus until the day he died and after Joshua and Jeremiah (the crying prophet) he's my favorite walking talking male bible character. Kris Kerstofferson is going to be there with him on that day and they are going to play such beautiful music tears of joy are going to flow down my cheeks. After that God is going to let me meet Rahab and Mary Magdalene and that will be enough to satisfy my soul for all of eternity!

God sings this song to me all the time

Keep on moving to the first rays of dawn
Keeping it on 'til the day stays strong
Runnin 'til the night time blazes on
All along I keep singing my song
I said, this phase is always
Sometimes I get so crazed
But just know that I'll always stay
'Cause you're my light through the haze

[Chorus:]
It's time for a champion
Soothe the soul of the land
Mend the heart from the sea and the sand
'Til the sun comes up again
[2x]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

[Verse 2:]
When the sun set I let myself down
Found the ground beneath my feet gone
No more words were there to speak
On that day my song was born
Never meant to leave you all alone
Said I'd be your shelter from the storm
Now your clothes have all been torn
Kingdom sacked attacked and dethroned

[Chorus]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

It's the way of the world
You're on your own
Time to grow and be a man
Wanna fly high like Peter Pan
No more Never Never Land
So lose your backpack filled with sand
Come along and take my hand
We'll walk together, walk forever

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

[2x]
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Walk with me now, talk with me now, baby
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Walk with me, momma, talk with me now

While On The Block

I saw a sad shell of a man yesterday, hobbling down the street, half dead, dirty, didnt even have to see his face to know who it was. I was stopped at a red light not six feet from him, my heart pounding like crazy, wanting to push the car in front of me out of the way, if that man had looked up he would have seen his wife.


It's my own fault, really, because I was somewhere I wouldn't normally be, but it happened just the same. 
When I go to Atlanta and I pass the west side I always drive through the trap, I can't help it, its what I do, its where I came from.  I never want to forget where I came from and there are times when I need to see how far God has brought me.  He, my husband, used to scold me all the time about driving through there, but I've never been scared of it.  I used to drive through twice a day going to and from work.  I've driven through when I had lots of money in my purse.  It doesn't affect me now because I've been doing it for so long and if I feel a certain way about it, I just keep going.
There have been many times when I stopped and gave someone I knew a good word, or some money or prayed for someone as I was going by.  I used to picked up everybody walking along the side of the street on my way to church and drive them back down the block afterwards.
I lived there for a long time, called those means streets my home and the people in them my family.  There are times when I can look back and see how often God protected my life in a place where life has no value, people are bought and sold every day and no one loves you.
I was caught completely by surprise because I hadn't expected him to be on the Boulevard, I expected him to be up in Adamsville, a few blocks away, the Flat Lands.  His mother lives up that way and he's always telling me how he doesn't like the Boulevard, how the boys are fighting and killing one another over the girls.  He told me he was sitting at the bus stop and some boys came along and killed the boy sitting next to him, yet he's still out there.
That's the insanity of it.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
He's been shot four or five times himself!  He's still out there, doing what he does, those instances of almost dying being the furthest thing from his mind, because he's trying to get high.  Trying to catch a high that's long past and will never return to him the same way he wants it, but he's still chasing behind it just like the rest of them, listening to that voice that's constantly talking to him.
I know him anywhere, I know him lurking in the trees, I know him bent over looking on the ground for something someone may have dropped, I know him in the dark from blocks away, I know him because I have loved him for the last thirteen years and will continue to love him until the day I die.  I can get in my car right this minute, drive the two and half hours there and find him in less than five minutes, I've done it so many times before.  
I was so scared sitting at that red light, him so close, not that he would hurt me, but this big gigantic scene would have played out.  I am crazy but I'm far from stupid and I've had enough of those scenes to know I didn't want one that day.  He would've tried to get in the car with me, then he would want me to take him somewhere and he'd want to know if I had any money and it would have been this huge ordeal to get him to go on about his business and leave me alone, I didn't even want him to know I was in Georgia!  I had the puppy with me and that would have caused an even bigger scene and then I would have found myself standing on the boulevard trying to get the puppy back or just running him over to get away from him.
He may have come up with the bright idea he could sell the puppy to get some crack and snatched him out of the car to do just that.  
When he got shot the last time, he called me and I didn't believe him until I saw the ambulance with him sitting in the back of it.  I had just gotten a car, I had money, I wondered if he was trying to get me down there so they could take my car.  Addicts have this wonderful way of burning up all your trust and you begin to second guess and suspect everyone of ulterior motives.  There was a time when I would give my mother in law the keys to my car, so it would still be at the house in the morning when I woke up.  I used to give her all my money too, because that's just what you have to do in order to lay down and go to sleep with an addict.  When he wasn't home, I barely slept expecting him to come in looking crazy at any moment.
There are people in the street I've known for so long I can tell you who they are from half a mile away, I never have to see their faces, I know their body language, we used to be family, we roamed the streets together, got high together, argued and tried our best to survive.  Many of them are still there, even though I've been gone all this time.  It's amazing to me they are still there when I look at my own life, how different it is now, how far away I've traveled from that place.  I still go to church there sometimes and there they are, tired, beat down, dozing off during service, year after year.
He was limping with a styrofoam box in his hand because one of the churches had bee down there earlier handing out food,  I couldn't see much because there are huge hedges in the lot they were on, which is exactly how I would have missed him.  I was going to see an old friend and cut the four or so blocks through from one highway to the other.  He had on jeans and a wife beater, I didn't see what kind of shoes, he was dirty and tired and looked miserable, my guess is he was so miserable and not high he didn't even know he was in the world.  He's lost a good twenty five thirty pounds and being so tall it shows.  He weighed about two thirty five when I took him home in October, because he'd relapsed twice here, took the car I'm still paying for, stayed gone four days the second time.  
I saw him walking with a dope boy and a white girl.  I didn't feel anything but shocked at seeing him. Thank God I wasn't in my truck that would have been game over.  Oh my goodness!  I'm so glad I was in the car.
I didn't even feel any kind of way seeing him tag along behind the girl, because even I know white girls are gold in the trap and if you're really trying to catch some money and get high you should stick with the white girls.
It was about me, not him  I filed for divorce after nine years, i just can't do it anymore.  I can't fix him, he doesn't want to be well, he's always going to go back and I've got thirteen years experience in knowing that.  I can't go back!  I've been trying to drag him out of hell while God is trying to move me forward into something else.
I didn't want to go to him.  I didn't feel sad for him, I didn't even feel any of the old feelings I've been nurturing for him deep down inside me, I felt nothing except fear he would see me.  It concreted my resolve that he's doing what he wants to do, he's where he wants to be and I'm of no consequence.
Behind the scenes of this God was whispering to me "See?  It's alright.  I've got him and I've got you too, do what you have to do I won't hold it against you."  My peace never left me.
It's over.  It was over before it started but God gave his daughter the desire of her heart and it was him, even knowing what would happen and how it would end.
I'm okay with that.
I still lock the doors at night, just in case he shows up, but that's out of years of habit knowing addicts are unpredictable.  He won't be coming down here, even though the back of my mind is always saying, you never know.  I do know, I saw the state of the man on that street, he won't be down here.
I don't even entertain what he's thinking because I know him and he's using me as an excuse to be worse off than ever before, because it's what he does.  
He's sitting down there giving everyone advice, telling others what he thinks they should do, how they should go home, how they shouldn't be like him.  I've heard it all before, I've witnessed it firsthand and the story never changes.
My humanity still aches for him, I still pray for him every night, I still believe God for his deliverance, but if he had five years clean and a job all that time, he still couldn't ask me to dinner, it's gone that far.  I have alot of responsibility and I've let him have it all for far too long.  My life came back around to me and I took it back and it's something so different than any life I've ever had before and there's no place for him in it, because he's left me for the streets so many times I'm numb.  It's worse than a man who cheats because atleast with a cheater you can compete with the women he cheats on you with.  You can't compete with the streets or drugs, it's not possible, but it feels just as bad as being cheated on.
The time came when I couldn't accept him back with unconditional love, when I'd run out of responses because I'd tried every one.  The only thing I didn't do was take a two by four to the side of his head and with my luck I would have killed him and I'd be sitting in prison, so it's just as well I decided long ago he wasn't going to learn anything that way.
It doesn't matter anymore,  It's so broken there will be no fixing it.  He made me a liar vowing the rest of my life to do something no one can do.  I've felt so bad about that part of it.  I was a good wife, I spent six years waiting for him to get out of prison, writing him letters every single day, I took him back time and time again only for him to leave time and time again.
Now I'm just waiting on my court day so I can be free and change my name.
I'm waiting for the day I can drive there with someone to help me load my stuff out of my mother in law's shed and bring it back home at long last.  I'm waiting for the day when God sends that next someone along who is going to be His man.
I've spent alot of time waiting and waiting and waiting over the last thirteen years, I've developed alot of patience and when my heart stopped blinding me my mind knew it was time to move on.  It's time to move on, it's okay for me to want to do that.  My Father in heaven has reassured me He's not holding it against me.

I didn't need a footstool I needed a friend

Most people want God to make their enemies their footstool, but He made mine my best friend and sister and He only let me have her that way for a short period of time, about sixty something days. She went back to the life the day we got home and she's still in the life, but I will love her unconditionally like Jesus loves her for the rest of my life. She is a prayer warrior, notice I say is, because nothing can separate us from the love of our Father. I've been given her wonderful son to be my friend and every now and then I get a phone call that starts out "Halleluiah" and the Lord watches over her all the time. Admiring her boldness and courage I asked God to give that to me and He did! She taught me to be a prayer warrior and He and I carry it out. So today, when people make you mad, frustrate you or you see someone you feel is your enemy, instead of expecting God to make them your footstool, ask Him to make them your friend, they will be your most valuable one. That's grace people! WWB!!!! RIDE OR DIE!

TESTIMONY CHALLENGE

Everyone has a story, some are similar, some are the same, some are nothing like anyone else's and some you would have never dreamed.  I have the desire to write again and I'm ready to do another project, one that is very important, one that will change the atmosphere and one I'm sure God will enjoy watching me put together.  I'd like to ask my friends to participate in this, because they have wonderful stories, each and every one of you.

There is power in testimony, the power of God to knock on someone's heart to cause them to think, "If He would do that for them, then maybe He would do that for me."  The truth is He would do that for anyone but it's always good to share with others the struggles you've overcome, the obstacles you've faced and the journey that has brought you to the person you are today.

There was a time when I thought my testimony was getting stale and I was a waitress and I love sharing my testimony because God has brought me a long way and I know it was God because no one else could save me.  I shared this with a friend and they told me not to worry about it and that over time it would change and transform and grow into something different and it has.

My friend Jessica Nordquist asked me to come to her single lady's group one night to give my testimony and I thought I was going to say one thing, but when I got there God had me tell them stories I normally wouldn't have told and in each story He showed them where He protected my life time and time again, in a place where life had no value.

Life happens, people go through things.  There are people in your life right now that have gone through incredible odds and you don't even know it!  I have friends who aren't open about having been addicts and I'm their sounding block, I speak for alot of people when I speak on addiction.

People think because I am so open and transparent about my life that I tell all, but I have kept safe the secrets of many over the years and would never ever betray that trust.

My husband used to tell me, "You can't tell everybody!"  I totally disagree, I can tell anybody God prompts me to tell and it's never been my dirty little secret the way it is still his.  I tell it!  That's why God saved me, because He knew if anyone was going to shout it from the roof tops it was going to be me!  It comes natural to me to share it, its a part of who I am and who I am becoming.

The suggestion to do a book came from Caryl Lawson, but I actually think it was God talking through her about it, because she already has so much on her plate and I'm not sure she knew I was a writer when she mentioned it.  She is a wonderful photographer, has a young teenage son and twin daughters, she sings, does all sorts of things, so she doesn't have the same kind of down time I do.  It first started that we would do the testimony of just the ladies at Grace Life and I still totally plan to do that, but I want to do the ones of as many people who will volunteer them.

Please ask everyone you know to participate in this, it's going to be huge!

Even though I will or might know who you are if you like you can change names, make up names, protect other people's identities and I would prefer that you do that so we can avoid having to do all kinds of silly permission slips so I can use the material.  It will be understood and agreed upon that I have permission to use it when you submit it to me.  

Your story can be as short or as long as you like, it can be about anything, because we've all been through something and what I've been through isn't necessarily what someone else has been through and with enough people participating it could turn into more than one book.

I don't care about money I just like my stuff being out there, but if it does happen that some money is made from the project, trust that I will be wise with where it should be sent to be a blessing, I'll throw a party, I'll donate it to an animal shelter, I'll bless the church with it, who knows?  We'll wait and see what God tells me to do with it if there is any at all, I just love holding that book, with my name of the cover, with all the words I love that were so carefully thought out and said on the inside.  I didn't make any money off my first two books, but I still don't care and I never will, I just love to write and when the bug bites me it's on!

I want to thank everyone in advance and tell you how excited I am about this project!  It's going to be amazing!  It's something God wants me to do so its going to be huge!

You can submit all stories to nannysparky20@gmail.com.  You are the only people who have this address so I won't have the worry of accidentally deleting anything due to junk mail.  If you prefer to write them by hand you can mail them to me at 221 N Eastern Blvd Montgomery AL 36117.

I urge you to participate, there's healing in telling.

I love you all so much, let's do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Most Beautiful Girls In My World

There are days when I am still amazed at the fact I am a grandmother and one so many times!  Marlee and Zoe are the only two grand daughters I have contact with, they are grand daughters by blood, both different in every way, Marlee is the light pink girl and everything else, Zoe is my hot pink girl and something else LOL.  

These two do things to my heart I've never experience before and I feel this huge sense of awe just watching them or listening to them talk.  They were born knowing they were royalty and have the clothes to prove they've run with that from day one.  

Marlee has this soft musical voice and the first time she ever said the word "Nanny," it was the most beautiful song in the world!  There's magic in the way she pronounces it!

They are the daughters of my two youngest sons, Marlee is the oldest but her daddy is my baby and Zoe is the youngest but her daddy is my middle son.

I long to know them better, for pajama parties and late night giggling.

I am the oldest grandchild and grand daughter on both sides of my family and my grandmother has always been such a huge part of my life, I want to be to them what she has been to me.

As The Days Go By

God never shows us the entire picture, it's like an onion, He peels each layer back one at a time and reveals small glimpses to us.  Only recently has he pulled off a couple at a time.  I have to admit my relationship with God has been in all seriousness and obedience for a very long time.  Lately, He's come so close to me, He's begun to joke around with me and show me greater things than I have ever seen.

There are days when I'm out and about and He tells me to take the long way home.  I drive along in the silence, taking deep relaxing breaths of air and looking around.  The sky is so awesome and I admire it every day, only lately He's shown me how He shows off with it.  It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining and all of a sudden it's raining without affecting anything but my windshield and I laugh telling Him how great I think that is.  These are the moment of life when I get to just be.  

We were created to be loved, for worship, for great parties that are going to take place in eternity and it is in these moments I wholeheartedly understand being in the Father.  

He's so close I can feel Him, the warmth of His smile over his precious child.  It's amazing and I didn't have this until now.

He uses the wind to kiss me, He brags about the way the trees wave to me from the side of the road and we laugh about the silliest stuff, things that come up on  road signs,sayings on the tags of people's cars, things that are rolling around in my mind and sometimes He fills me with laughter at nothing just so He can hear me laugh.

My relationship has become a relaxed familiarity I've never experienced before.  I have this inner peace that can't be disturbed by anything and I'm not willing to let anyone steal it from me either.

I wish everyone would take hold of this and run with it, it's so awesome and beyond words sometimes, even though we all know I seldom run out of words.

It's so easy, to have a relationship with Him.  I don't have to do anything, there are no fervent on my knees, or laid out in the floor kind of prayers and that's alright.  I don't have to try to be anything other than me and I am all He wants.  We talk all day long, bits and pieces of conversations, me talking out loud to Him, so I won't talk out loud to myself and some days I can't distinguish the difference.  LOL.

He is the author and finisher of my faith, He is my Daddy who loves me, He wants to do great things through me and I'm a willing vessel.  There are days when I feel like I'm jumping up and down with my hand in the air screaming "Send me Lord, I'll go!"