Painting With Jesus

I have all these huge dreams, all these things I am living in expectancy of.  My hope is great in everything!  I hope hundreds of thousands show up!  I'm not disappointed if it's only five.  Someone showed up and that is a miracle all in itself.
You have to show up.  You have to participate, you have to be.
To be perfectly honest, if you could see what's going in my life right this minute you would say, it's pretty bad.  You would also wonder why I'm not going through hell.
I'm not participating in it any longer.  I has nothing to do with me.  I have a purpose.  I have destiny.  I am loved and cherished and valuable.
So, I'm sure you're wondering how I could possibly say that and mean it.  I'm smiling, just chuckled out loud to myself.
I put on some music, I got out some paint, I handed it over to God and thanked Him for taking it and we just enjoyed one another's company, while I painted and rejoiced and praised him with the music that was playing.  It was amazing.  It is amazing!  I am loved by the creator of the universe!  He has plans for me!
He puts ideas in my head and I dream them so big.  I had some wood projects on the back burner, so I am about to pull out the wood burning knife and tinker with it until there are more supplies.
He says I can paint artwork that churches will want.  Big, colorful, beautiful artwork for the kingdom!
I receive that!  I am up for the challenge!
Glory!

Stuck In The Loop

Stuck In The Loop

The last couple of days have been good ones even though stupid stuff is going on in my life.  Living with an addict your life plays out on this loop that's stuck.  You go along, thinking everything is going to be alright then they do the deed.  No explanation, no way to understand it, no figuring it out and total devastation comes along.  Things of value are gone, trust is gone, hope is dashed for a few moments and then begins the process of rebuilding.  There's the quiet time, where they are going through it, stuck in their mind, processing all the information as to what they've done.  At some point in time, they try turning the blame on you and making you feel guilty about some part you played in it but it's not about you and still you have that part of it.  Then , as the shame wears off, they start making plans again, trying to figure out how to fix it, everything is supposed to be alright and you better not act any different.  You start putting the building back together, brick by brick, doing what is necessary to fix the current situation, starting over for the millionth time.

I've been stuck in a loop for fifteen years.  Yes, for fifteen long, frustrating ,he can never get it right years.

He's not honest about it.  He won't tell on it.  If you give him some money you have just launched him into the abyss.  

Things walk away, vehicles get tore up, he comes in with his tail between his legs, looking like a six year old who has broken his mother's favorite vase, takes a bath and goes to bed.  No "I'm sorry,", no explanation whatsoever, but you know all hell has broken loose once again and it costed you something along the way.

I could be wrong, but I don't think I've ever even heard an, "I'm sorry baby."

It's not for the faint of heart.

Over and over again I have to practice trusting, even though I'm still jumping out of bed to make sure he's still here, to know where my pocket book and all the keys are, to reassure myself of something.  It's insanity really, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

In the end I'm always the one left standing in the middle of the wreckage, feeling taken advantage of, lied to, beat down, bills to pay, at the beginning of a long journey I've made more than a hundred times.  I'm the one who begins to build again, to pick up the pieces, to start gluing it all back together.  

It sucks.

It's been going on so long, I don't even tell people when it happens anymore.  Why should they care?  He's my problem and somehow his problems have become my problems.  They couldn't possibly understand the pain of those moments, unless they've been there before and no one likes a cry baby.

You can't say certain things, you can't have certain opinions, you can't put safety measures into place because he's not honest about it and he's not going to share the information with anyone else, because God forbid they might be of some help when the time comes.

I'm not participating any longer.

I'm not replacing things.

I'm not paying anyone money.

I'm not doing it!  

I've set the boundaries and he has to find something to go after.  

I refuse to continue to live this way.

It's not living, it's constantly watching your life implode, everything you worked for to get to today gone in the blink of an eye.

In the end I feel like he doesn't care, because he never has to take any responsibility for it.  He doesn't have a job to start trying to play catch up, the dang job is what put him back in the streets to start with.  His male pride won't let him admit he needs to do something, he can't handle money, that it's all bigger than him and he needs to do something about it.

We never get ahead, I start over at this starting point marked devastation.

You have to find a way to live through it. to be who you are called to be, to keep the course of your own journey.

It makes them very hard to love.

Some of us are living in expectancy of an apology we are never going to get.

I've been there so that makes it's an even bigger mystery to me.

What makes me able to stop and not care that he doesn't have?

There are never anymore answers than there are questions.

In the last couple of days, it's been worse than usual, but I am not defeated.

After the initial anger and pain wore off I made a decision and it was by far the best decision I've ever made in my life.

I sat down and put some worship music on and began to talk to my Father.  I started out crying and hurt and ended up laughing and loved.  I merely soaked in His presence.  He loves me.  It doesn't matter to Him what's going on, all that is important is our love affair with one another.

I've painted and listened to music and told Him all my problems and He's loved me back with such fierceness I was healed of everything.  I didn't matter what he was doing.  It didn't matter where he was.  It didn't matter what he's going to do next, nothing else mattered but God, the creator of the universe loves me and was spending time with me in my moment of darkness,

A great peace came over me and I didn't even care anymore.

I keep seeing all of it as new testimony, new territory.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

Halleluiah!

I don't know if he'll ever figure it out, but as for me, I've got stuff to do, I'm trying to usher in the kingdom for him and everyone else.  I've got territory to take and my ministry is just now getting off the ground.  I will not be discouraged.

I believe His promises.

I'm stepping out of the loop, I'm not participating or living there anymore.  The boundary lines have been drawn and I'm sticking to them.  I have the right to peace.  I have the right to freedom.  I have been set free, it no longer holds bondage for me and I'm not going to voluntarily chain myself to it.

Take my advice, the next time you are going through pure hell, sit down, put some music on, begin to thank God for all He's done for you, dump all your garbage on Him and take your peace.

I'm pretty sure it makes you glow.

Biting off more than you can chew :)

Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

I was so excited to see those huge, fantastic, almost wouldn't fit in the car canvases!  Man!  All the thoughts that went through my mind, dollar bills y'all!

Now they are leaned against the wall in the spare bedroom, so big, they won't fit an eisel, "What am I gonna paint?" , "Oh my gosh look how much space that is to cover!", "Good Lord!"

All the while my spirit is jumping around inside of me clapping her hands and excited for the challenge.

Then you have the part where I'm like, "Okay, this has to be something absolutely breathtaking!"

My spirit yells "I know!"

Back and forth we go and I'm still looking at pictures, trying to get ideas, a tree came to mind colorful background, dark tree, a light house in a sea storm and I have an amazing picture to use as an example.  The biggest mermaid seascape of my career?  Then there are the butterflies, because it's all about the butterflies and they've come back around as a point of interest.  In case you don't know butterflies are very difficult, because they are perfectly proportioned. 

What to paint, what to paint.

In the meantime I'm trying to relax, to try simplicity, it's not that serious, just put the brush in the paint and see what happens!

Wood burning projects on the back burner because to paint is to breathe.

I'm not going to say I bit off more than I could chew because those two canvases have been a dream of mine for a long time and please forgive me but I have no desire to paint an angel on either one of them.

Just soaking in the goodness of God and sticking to small beginnings until those two are the last two available.

Then the fun begins!

RIDE OR DIE!!!

WWB!!!

What Life In The Streets Looks Like On Other People

Next time I see them, I'll try to get a picture to share of the young people we met yesterday. Two boys and a girl, they were white kids, had dreads, two dogs, backpacks. Someone told us about them two weeks ago, but we never did see them until yesterday. We were so excited! I pulled up to the curb and said, "Would you guys like some lunch?" They were all yes maam and smiles. They were polite, and stayed sitting on the ground and were so happy to see clean new socks. This is a different kind of face you see in the streets. They don't appear to be strung out on drugs, they are pleasant, it doesn't seem to be a crisis for them.
I've been given the opportunity one other time recently in Prattville. I was over by the bowling alley seeing my friend and boss lady Barbara Hartley and I saw these two young men walking up the street, back packs, long dreads, green military looking clothes, which is how this particular group like to dress. I guess it's because the military surplus places are very handy for their lifestyles and their wallets. Y'all know how loud I am, so I whistled and waved for them to stop. They were walking up the sidewalk and something you don't see often in Prattville is homeless people, or people passing through. They aren't having it. It's just not something that happens. They will in no uncertain terms ask you to move on. They waited for me and I just happened to have $10. This is all God because I carry a card and I never have cash on me, except for instances such as this. I gave them the money and told them Jesus loved them and they both asked me if they could give me a hug and they were so thankful, so happy!
These beautiful people understand what resting in God's love is. They are a complete illustration of Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
They don't seem to be worried about a thing.  They are just moving along in their lane, living life in every moment.  It doesn't seem to be a problem they aren't really headed anywhere in particular, they don't have a bed to sleep in, or a roof over their head.

I'm seeing it more and more.  We want to fix stuff, help folks and do this that and the other, but the people I meet in the streets of Montgomery Alabama, they don't seem to mind their situations y'all.  They seem to be quite content in just being and it's an amazing thing!  I'm sure there are some given the opportunity would love to get off the streets, but there are some who couldn't function that way.  There are some it doesn't even matter to, because God made us very versatile people.  You can live any way you have to but you have to live.

Sure, you have the small few who are not nice, who might even be dangerous, but I'm just not getting a sense of desperation and danger like where I come from.  It's a different atmosphere here and maybe that's just us changing it when we show up.  Yes, that's what it must be, our changing the atmosphere every Sunday!!!!

It's not the same monster as where I come from.

It's also encouraging!

So, these young people are still in my heart and I'm smiling even now, because their easy spirits get them where they need to go and it's such a blessing to meet people like them.  They are just doing their thing.

God gets us where we are going and we don't have to be worried about it.  We don't have to be all stressed out about it, it's life, it's worth living and laughing at.  There is nothing to worry about and every moment to live in.

And that's my praise report on the streets of Montgomery Alabama people.