FAMILY

Everyone seems to think their family is the most dis-functional, but mine, we are just normally who we are. There are those of us who don't get along, others fear won't get along, others still, assume don't get along, and then some who still aren't sure.  We get together as often as we can, although we are smart enough not to get together all at once.  LOL.  We are family, commonly bonded in blood, love, fights, arguments and the same journey of life we are making.  We have our little clicks, our favorite cousins, so forth and so on, but we are family.  There are no knock down drag outs at our get together's, there's mostly foolishness, bad behavior, lots of laughter, dancing, the burning of furniture and freely flowing alcohol.  We don't have time to put one another down, preach to one another, point out other people's flaws, because each of us knows without question we all have issues and the beauty of being family is loving people despite those issues. When you are busy loving one another there is no room any of that.  Sometimes there's a heartbeat of silence and a deep intake of breath and if you look around the room at the very moment you will see nothing but big ear to ear grins and contentment.  We are family and we need one another.  There's no time for anything but love and enjoyment and basking in one another's love.  I am pleased to announce I can't ever remember anyone being put out, placed in a car with a sober driver, angry words, or a fist fight, since we were stupid kids.  There are hugs and laughter and food and "I love you"s and "Are you okay?" and "You can stay if you need to"s.  We have finally learned what is was our mother was trying to teach us all along.  I used to hate to hear her say it, because I was selfish and spoiled and spiteful and mean, but she would always say, "Y'all need to learn to love one another because one day you are only going to have one another."  I wish I could tell her now how sorry I am for being the brat I was and how right she was in what she was trying to teach us.
I'm going to just put it out there, tell the truth and shame the devil, I was a mean ass big sister.  I wanted them, but once they were mine I wanted them to go away or I didn't want to care about them.  I am not that person anymore and I know they know that and I know they know how much I love them, how precious they are to me, how I wish I could take it all back and do it all over again, but we are who we are today and mama got what she wanted because we do love one another.  We still haven't learned to stick together all the time, but we have learned despite any differences we've ever had, falling outs, fights, all the crap that happens with people we are family, we are all we have and we love one another.
Like I said, we aren't perfect and aren't even trying to be, but we have come to a place where we finally understand how important we are to one another and you just come get you some if you feel froggy, because we are Gossett's and play time is over.
We all have our opinions about one another, different relationships with every single individual, and even if we voice those opinions, it's in a joking manner, no one is sitting around dogging anyone else out, or talking bad about anyone who isn't present to defend themselves.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
If you're ever invited to one of our functions you must know they are not for the faint of heart or the easily embarrassed, and it's all in good fun whether it makes you blush or not.  If you weren't family and blood, you will be family before you leave.  We are a hospitable people.  (Thank you Jesus)
I love going to my brother's house, I never have the thought "the road runs both ways".  He is home, his wife is mama, his home is open to us all.  He feeds us and I never even considered what a huge task that is until they visited Easter and he was like, "Sis," and I was like "I figured it in to my budget and you always feed us!"  It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!!  It's family!!!!!!!  It's love!!!!!!
Today I didn't even want to leave!  I wanted to stay another week and just hang out and lay around and watch television and do whatever.
The beautiful thing God creates us to do that we so often overlook is to recognize and live in just being.
No matter what any of them think, I love love love love love my family.  I love each and every one of them, whether they think I do or not.  I love them for who they are.  I love them for who they have been to me.  I love them because they love me!
I am not perfect!  I am bossy and bitchy and the big sister and I talk too much and I'm loud and not so much arrogant anymore, but I am!!!!!
I reserve the right to pull rank at any time, but these days it is gentle and loving and laughing and funny.
I will never forget my sister's husband, who was being stupid at the time saying to me, "Bitch this ain't even your house!!!"  and to that I replied, "I'm the big sister and you are leaving right now and if you want me to wake my brother up to tell you the same thing we can do that, but you are leaving either way!!!"
And what can I say about my baby brother?  There are volumes!!!!!!!
Family.
Look around at your family, take a deep breathe, thank God for them and smile as the tears stream down your face because you are wrecked with love!!!!

Happily Ever After

Funny how the mind works.  We think back on things we loved and they are so great in our memory, events, places, food, happiness, but given the opportunity to revisit some of those memories they aren't as good as our mind has built them up to be.  They just don't fit into the parameters of wonderful we've slipped them into.
This recently happened to me with a restaurant we used to go to when I was a teenager.  We used to go to this place every Friday night and it was awesome.  The restaurant closed and we were left with another restaurant of the same sort in it's wake, but we didn't really care for that one.  Over the years, having no choice but to eat at the other restaurant because that's all there was, my memory of the former never faded as being the one we liked better.  I recently got to eat at that restaurant again, for the first time in over 18 years and it just wasn't as good as I remembered, the food at the other restaurant is better, but somewhere in my memory it is still stored as great.
There's an old saying "You can never go back home."  Being who I am I don't buy into the status quo, I don't care what folks say, I don't care if I look dumb doing things I believe in.  I have to help people even if they get over on me, it doesn't change the drive and desire in me to be God's hands.  Sure, I get stung every now and then, but that sting is so small compared to the joy that fills my heart to bursting when God leads me to do something for Him.
A year ago around this time, I was heartbroken about my marriage I wasn't willing to stay in and clearly remember hearing myself say, "It's not fair, I didn't get my Cinderella story, my happily ever after."
Being a child of God, having eternity to live, what a foolish thing for me to have said, because God's people will get their happily ever after.  We have all of eternity to live in!  We have all of eternity to party and be with our Father!  That totally sounds like happily ever after to me.
I spent a year, a month and ever how many days without my husband.  I filed for divorce and paid the attorney in full, up front.  I was resolved to end my marriage for no other reason than intolerance of his behavior and fatigue.
How many of you know I was getting in God's way?  My expectations exceeded my reality.  My desire to be a help mate dissipated and I moved into a realm of I'm going to take care of myself, I will do this with my life instead.
I know who I am, I know who I belong to and I did just fine operating in that love, that knowing and wasn't even lonely.  People came and went, with their foolishness and their motives, but God did not allow anyone to stay more than momentarily, to make more than a shaking my head kind of impact on me and to cause to me to wish for my happily ever after.
When I did think of my husband it was in a shut off kind of way, seeing only the things I couldn't deal with, the stuff he did and not the man I actually loved.
When the opportunity arose for him to be back in my life, my heart and mind went to work, giving me all the reasons I didn't want to do it, a fear tried to creep back in, a voice whispered I was a fool and would end up looking stupid.  All these things wrestled in my spirit, my logic, my reasoning, my shut off sense of I'm not doing this anymore.
Over the den of voices, the emotions playing tug of war, the lies being chanted by every force in the world, I clearly heard my Daddy say, "Go get that man."  I even spent a couple of more days making sure it was He who had said it and not some silly emotionally charged thought I had.
I was still absolutely terrified when I got out of the truck and saw him for the first time in all that time, my stomach twisted in knots, all those voices in my head telling me to go back home, the walls of my resolve beginning to crumble.  He is still dealing with hurt feelings because the first words that jumped out of my mouth were "You look terrible."  Never mind they were coming from a broken place, I said them, he heard them, they went into him differently than they had come out of me.
Wow, just wow.
He was not the man I had dropped off a year earlier, although in my mind he was.  In my mind he was huge and healthy and well, this just wasn't that man standing in front of me.
Fear was trying to paralyze me and then came the truth.
I saw desolation all around me, the house seemed to be falling down and in disrepair, I even thought he was high for a moment, watching him blow the leaves off the back porch for his mother, before leaving her to her life.  Voices were screaming in my head "What are you doing?"  "Are you crazy?"  "Look at him!"  my heart was pounding a thousand miles an hour and I felt like I was about to fall into this great void.
He'd done something he can't ever take back in his pain and anger against me and when it was all said and done God said, "You have to forgive him right now, right this second."  I cried and loaded boxes onto my truck, I walked back and forth time after time wallowing in the pain of it all.  I'm not even going to tell you what it was because I did forgive him and I've resolved myself never to mention it again, just like God never reminds me of who I used to be.
In the recesses of my mind, buried deep in my frustration and anger and fatigue were memories of him, sweet precious memories I didn't let myself have, like how he washes my truck and car, spends hours at a time getting them clean knowing I am going to let the dogs smudge the windows right back up.  I forgot how he washes my dishes, cleans my house, says the sweetest things to me, makes me laugh and knows how to have fun.  I forgot how wonderful it is to be at home in my own skin because of him.  Many many things buried behind the voices and memories and dark shadows that have stood guard over that part of me.  I don't mind the tv being entirely too loud, little messes here and there where he's been posted up.  It is my great pleasure to cook for him, to see him in the living room completely immersed in a video game, to have laughing little spats.
I've had people along the way to love me and encourage me, to keep me moving forward dropping chains all along the way.  Those same people are there for him, to do the same, to help him on his journey.  I can't be of any help carrying around my own expectations, my how things should be thoughts, my wishing things were different.  I can only see the next good thing to do for him, to be for him, to give to him and the rest of it is between him and his Daddy.
In order to get my happily ever after with him I have to live the entire Cinderella story and to tell the truth it's a great story and all of it isn't bad.  To get my happily ever after with God, I just have to be.
How cool is that?

Prostitution, Drug Addiction and Bondage

You think you know, but you don't.  You can't even imagine.  I can't even imagine and it was my life!!!!!  You walk in around in all your human pride and you say stupid stuff like, "I would never do that,", or "What could they possibly be thinking,", or "They are just weak minded," and various other ridiculous statements about the human condition and what you assume someone else is going through.  I'm not holding anything back with this one assume makes an ass of you and me.  You have no idea what you are talking about unless you have been there.
I got strung out, my glamorous life as a stripper ended because it was okay for the girls to snort and sell all kinds of dope but crack is totally unacceptable.  I was making $1200 to $1800 goofing off, weighed every bit of 108 pounds soaking wet, was being lied to by the mirror every time I looked in it, I lived in room 333 of the Ramada with two dogs, humpteen dozen cats (18 if the time line is right), my son and any other crack head that needed to sleep.  I got so drunk at the bar, having my wonderful good time and making money, that I went to the dope man as soon as I got off work, and no matter how much money I made the night before I was flat ass broke by day light.  I had to have my medicine, because that was the only reason I was living life, right?
When I left they called me scum, white trash, those f'ing crackheads, anything but my name.
After that I went to live in the dug out at a baseball field in a nearby park and no one bothered me until baseball season started because of the black labs I kept locked up with my stuff.  Even when baseball season started no one told me I had to leave or called the police on me, because hell, I knew the police, I just left out of shame.
One Tuesday morning, before all of this happened, I laid down to sleep around 10:30 in the morning, you know just to get the energy for my second wind.  I didn't wake up until Saturday morning after two in the morning and my dogs were so happy to see me I figure they thought I had died and the people around me were just leaving me there.  My son later told me Michelle came in and put a mirror in front of my face to make sure I was still breathing and I hadn't even slept walked or gotten up to go to the bathroom during all of that time.
There are so many stories I can tell you but the gist of it is never ever think you know that you know unless it's about God and He told you, because you don't.
I'm not going to go into my entire testimony because I have a book I wrote for that and you can get a copy if you ask me for it and give me your email, but the bottom line is God loved me, He watched out for me, He brought me out and He has been walking with me ever since.  I don't care what you are going through, I don't care how low point you think you've reached, He is there, He is waiting, He loves you, He made you, all you have to do is speak up and talk with HIM.  I am not ashamed of who I used to be, of where I've come from and I want other people to look at my life and think they can have the same thing, because they can!!!!!  I'm not special, but my Father loves me, He protected me, He watched over me, He allowed me to go through everything I've experienced from then until today so I can give Him all the glory for saving me, for delivering me, for every breath I take and He is good!!!!!  RIDE OR DIE!!!  WWB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Get you some, it's your's for the asking!

Some of Shay's Story

I never give much thought to how good I've got it, because let's face it I've got it good.  I have a heavenly Father who gives me the best life I've ever lived and my struggle is so small compared to other people's.
Phil talked about comparing the other day, how we always compare up and if we are going to compare we should actually compare down.
I'm watching Shay struggle, I'm seeing her meet opposition at every turn, she doesn't even know how to be still and sit for a moment because she's so hell bent on making something happen and that's all part of her survival.
The other night some people stole some stuff from her so she called the police.  The people who did this had warrants so they went to jail for more than what they'd done to her.  The police detained her, for whatever reason and had her car impounded, a car she only has a bill of sale for, the woman the car was registered to is dead and her husband is in jail.  In the process of all of this no one seems to know what happened to her pocket book, her brand new Galaxy 6 telephone, her medicine or her money.  When she called the police to try and find out what happened to the stuff they asked her why she was even detained.
While she was gone the other day, to run an errand, she forgot to lock her unit and someone came along, without my even knowing it, which makes me mad because it's my job to protect stuff around here.  They stole all her personal hygiene stuff, her make up and clothes. The guy who came and gave her a ride, so she could try to get her stuff back and make some money charged her $20 of the $28 she had for gas! Who does that?
I'm not comparing, my heart is breaking, I'm watching the world toss this person to and fro.  I'm watching her try so hard and time and time again she's getting beat down.
She told me how her mother burnt her with cigarettes all over her body and I've seen the scars, how she was taken to the emergency room forty eight times in a year at the age of six and people kept turning a blind eye, no one stepped in to help this little girl who is being abused and burned and mistreated.
I'm friends with the woman she's become, I can't help but love her.  She doesn't do drugs, I've never even seen her drink and she doesn't want to go back to the streets.  She's doing everything she can to keep from doing what she knows she can do to make money.
I dropped her off this morning, to do her thing and there isn't even a bathroom there and we had to go to several places before she found one.  All these gas stations with bathrooms but they won't let you use them.
I'm amazed at how mean the world is!  It still surprises me when people are mean to me because it's just not my style.
My life is a cake walk compared to the life of my friend.

Knowing When The Storm Is Really HIM

I've said it before but I'll say it again, God has a great sense of humor and I'm coming to the conclusion he loves to hear me laugh because we share the silliest stuff with one another and he loves to make me the butt of some of His jokes.  They aren't the kind of jokes that hurt, they are exceptionally funny, but there are times when I'm standing there, knowing He's laughing at me and I just have to go through it.

Yesterday was no exception.

I stood in the bathroom putting on my makeup making all the Sunday deals I make with God about the fact that I'm wearing makeup and I don't want to sit in church the entire time crying and ruining it.

There were several times at church I was using an offering envelope like a fan to dry my eyes.

After church as I made my pilgrimage to Prattville for the afternoon.  It was lovely all the way from Montgomery, sun shining, beautiful clear skies and the minute I pulled into Prattville there was this huge storm cloud over head, the sun was blotted out and the world seemed to change.

As soon as I got to my friend's house and out of the car, the bottom fell out.  

I watched it rain and felt the wonderful wind from his garage for the first twenty or so minutes.  After that I went and sat on his back porch and watched it out the window.  There were great claps of thunder, lightening striking everywhere, the rain continuing and I was amazed.  I sat watching and listening and knowing full well it was God.  

I soaked it in and watched and basked in His company.  Great tears swelled up in my eyes and began spilling down my cheeks with the glory of His presence.  I told Him how awesome He is and that he was just showing off because He knew we had a pool party planned for 5 o'clock.

I began to laugh because He was joking with me about it.  He asked me how I liked it and I told him He was showing off and it was awesome and make it rain some more and He did.  I heard His voice in the thunder and began responding to His love, to the sound of His voice, to the beating of my heart.  I told Him how amazing the thunder and lightening was and I loved Him too and He made it thunder more and more.

He reassured me not to fear the lightening that it was just part of the show.

I laughed, tears flowing down my cheeks and as I watched the storm I sat there with God in awe of Him, seeing His great power and knowing He was doing it all for my benefit and some of it on request.  He told me He loved me with the thunder, over and over and again.  I would laugh and laugh reminding Him I still had places to get to and people to see.

He reassured me there was plenty of time and I just sat there watching it come down.

I remember hoping someone else was seeing and feeling and knowing the same things.

He dried things up and I went on other errands but the storm followed me everywhere I went and had me running from here to there, because I didn't want to get caught in the rain.

It rained a second time during the course of the afternoon and He thought that was funnier than the first time because it was getting so close to time for us to meet.

The preacher posted for everyone not to worry the rain was just cooling things off for the party.

He was absolutely right too.

Once I was at the party He put me in this mode of happiness where I remember looking around at everyone, smiling, with nothing to say, just knowing how much love and happiness He was pouring out on us.  Then, when He would let me say something it would come out sounding all hippy and stupid and everyone kind of looked at me strange and I didn't even care.

Anyone whose name I didn't know I introduced myself and stood there making huge mental notes to myself, trying to safely store the names that had been told to me and of course He made it weird for them, because I more than likely did something that made them think I was strange or my silent reflection made them uncomfortable because of the effort I was putting into it.

I would move on to the next group of people and the same thing would happen all over again.

I'm getting used to it, but there are times when I'm standing there in total unbelief that He's laughing when I'm trying so hard.

I floated from place to place, person to person, conversation to conversation and then I was ready to go.

It was a lovely day and words cannot even describe the whole storm experience for me, because there are no words to describe some parts of it.  

I love it when I'm sitting there and I know without a doubt it's Him and we are so close to one another and I'm laughing at His silliness.  I pray all of God's people have these experiences on a daily basis, because it's so wonderful to be in the presence of my Daddy.

We have so much in our lives we sometimes feel like God is so far away but He isn't, He's right there with us, waiting to interact with us, to pour his spirit into us, to show us the way to the next right thing to do.  He really is in love with us and that love is so extravagant.  There's nothing He wouldn't do for us to love Him.

The God I serve is living, breathing, near me, talks to me, loves me, makes me laugh and spends the best moment I have to just be with me.  He is a fire burning deep in my soul that never goes out and He is my DADDY.

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG

I've held my peace about it and now I'm going to say what I think.  I am from the south and we are a great people.  We wave at strangers driving by our houses, we stop and help people on the side of the road, we treat everyone like they are family.  We say "hey" passing people on the street, we love our old people, our children, our guns, our trucks and our dogs.  We don't see things in black or white, we only see things the southern way, "Hey, come on in", "How's your mama and them?", "You doing alright today?", "You need something?"," You hungry baby?",and "Can I get something for you sweety?" atleast that's how I think we are.  The flag, it's a flag, it's not us, even though we've used it to represent us.  For some it's just who we are, we didn't even give it another thought, we didn't look for things it stood for, it just represented the south.
I don't discriminate, I never pick things apart and when someone says something about me being white, this little voice in the back of my head laughs, "they have no idea how black you really are now do they?"
I hate injustice, I can't stand for people to be mistreated, I don't want their to be racial division and I get so frustrated that love is the answer when the enemy is still doing a great job of dividing and conquering us.
I'm not going to make it a black and white thing!  I'm not!  I love everyone!  I never see the color of anyone's skin, even though the world has taught me labels.  People have been totally surprised to meet my soon to be ex husband because I didn't tell them he is black and furthermore it really wasn't any of their business in the first place.  I don't care what anyone has said about me for loving him.  I don't care what anyone is going to say about me from this moment on and that's a good life.
I have a Georgia flag in my dresser, it has the Georgia emblem with a confederate flag next to it.
I had a guy who used to pick me up all the time, a black guy, he said something so profound to me, I will never forget it.  He said, "If they want to fly a losing flag I don't even care!"  This same man said to me, "Every time I see you you are talking about McDonalds or Churches Chicken!"  My reply was, "Don't ever call me a crackhead again, I'm trying to eat brother."
It's a flag.
If it stood for slavery, then it lost.
If it stood for money, then it lost.
If it stood for anything other than southern heritage, then we are all shamed in the first place.
The flag he was talking about was way up on a hill on the side of the expressway and whoever put it there had to do some serious climbing and navigating through the woods to hang it.
It's a flag.  It doesn't put food in your belly, it doesn't pay your bills and I can't even tell you what it really stands for because I obviously don't even know, because it surely didn't stand for what I thought it did.
Personally, I don't have a problem with it and when my husband told me it offended him I explained what it meant to me and us as a people and I still took it down.
When Paul took Timothy with him, he circumcised Timothy, so he could take him into the temples.
The bible talks about if we are doing something that makes our brother stumble then we should stop.
I love being from the south.  I never felt like the flag was a symbol of hatred.  I felt like it was a losing flag, just like my brother said and it was okay and it couldn't hurt anyone any longer, either free or slave, and I was a slave when he said it.
If something you do makes your brother stumble or question your love for him, then stop.  If the flag makes our beautiful black brothers and sisters from the south question our love for them, then take it down.
In my house the term "nigga" is a term of endearment, of the streets,a term of the people we belong to, have lived with, have loved, of who we are, but we've quit using that term, because the grandchildren don't understand the context and we don't want to hurt others because of it.  It's plain and simple.  If it's not love, then we can't use it.  It doesn't matter how we intended it, others would not understand.  I can't tell you how many times my husband has told me,"baby you can't call me that." and I never meant anything about it, it was just something we always said, the dope boys always said, everyone always said.  I didn't even know the repercussions until he told me and even then I was like, "I don't care what anyone else thinks!"
Truth is, when we love people, we really do need to care what they think, but what they see as love, what they see as us showing them that's love and that being the case, then don't do it!
Jesus said, "why do you call me Lord Lord and not do what I tell you to do?"
I am from the south, I love the confederate flag, it is southern, it is the people who are here, who have always been here, but if it for one second made one of my brothers and sisters think I don't love them, that I stood behind slavery, that I still support it today, then that's no good!!!!!!!!!!!
It just so happens I saw Amazing Grace again last night and praise God for William Wilberforce and the preacher he was friends with who had been a slave ship captain, who actually wrote the song.  The man said he lived with 20,000 ghosts of slaves, every day and he was so shamed to have done what he did.  God let that man live, even though he was blind by then, to see the day slavery was abolished in England, which eventually caused it's demise all over the world.  People are valuable!  I don't care what the color of their skin is, what they look like or where you find them, people are so valuable, Jesus died for them!!!!!!!!!!  He died for us!
I don't want anyone questioning my love, so if it means taking down a flag that makes everyone have questions, then lets do it, because it's the right thing to do.  Don't ever try to make it right with me telling me they were selling their own people!!!!!!!  It doesn't matter, it still doesn't make it right!  Get a freaking clue will ya?!!!!!
If a flag is all that stands between the two of us and you knowing that I love you, then I will gladly give up that flag and the history and anything that goes along with it, so you will just see my love, I don't care what color your skin is, it never mattered to me in the first place.

Queen and Judas Priest, Gay People, God's People, What??????????????????

God has great compassion, beyond the size of the universe.

I absolutely loved gay men because they loved me, thought I was beautiful, smelled good and didn't want a thing in the world from me and for a pretty girl, even though I had no clue I was, that's amazing.

I saw all the ugliness of the "church", when the love movement happened for gay people and I totally hate labels because they are so narrow and single and have no imagination.

If you are going to label me, please have some imagination, because I do!  God does!

We all love Queen and Judas Priest and until today, no one really cared that Freddy Mercury died of Aids, that Rob Halford was a heretic, with his Harley and his leather chaps.  We love them right?  

How does everyone else fall into that category of "we don't love them because they are gay?"

It's foolishness not to love someone because of a label, gay, poor, broke, homeless, lesbian, rich, famous, you can put every label you've ever known in that category, just think of it.  Who are you to deny anyone love?

Did Jesus say, "Wait a minute, I can't die for homosexuals, they are an abomination!"  I don't think so and I've read my bible over and over and over and over again looking for it, not because I want to be right, but because I want to stand as a warrior in everyone's defense.  I've read it ya'll, more than a hundred times cover to cover, probably more and I just can't find it where Jesus held everything up to point out what was something He wasn't willing to die for.  It's just not there.  Go and see for yourself if you don't believe me.

Rob Halford and Freddy Mercury don't give a crap what you think about them, label them, say about them, they are gay men who headed up two of the best and hardest rock bands ever!

I remember a guy named Mike who I knew from all the bars I hung out at. 

I hate labels, truly I do.

He broke my heart more than anyone I've ever known, ever loved, will ever encounter.

He was dying of aids and I knew him from the places I liked to hustle pool.

For the life of me I can't remember the name of this bar, just like I can't remember the name of the most favorite strip club I worked at, but this guy named Mike I had seen all over town.

One night I saw him and he said to me, now brace yourself, because if it doesn't break your heart and make you cry then you have no heart or humanity left in your soul.  "Darlene I love you, but next time you see me, or if you ever see me again, please don't speak to me, because I am dying and it's hard enough to do without people like you coming along to love me."

Wow, just wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Do I Think About Gay People?

As many of you know I spent a great deal of my young adult life homeless.  My grandmother didn't want a stripper living in her house, good christian woman that she was, but she did allow my children to stay, so they could attend a decent school, and have warm beds to sleep in, food to eat every day and clothes that were clean.
After my divorce, I still took the boys places, showed them it was okay to still be kids, have fun, be happy, even though our lives weren't what we would have liked for them to be.  I took them to eat in fine restaurants, we went to movies, we spent plenty of money at the dollar tree for toys to take to the park and we went roller skating.
I had never been without them, from the time I was seventeen years old.  It was very difficult for me, a mother, to find myself suddenly without children.  I was 27, had never been anywhere by myself, not even to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes.  Rather than it being relished freedom I had only been able to dream about, it was a total nightmare of feeling inadequate, a failure as a person and a parent, desperately trying to figure out a way to fix a situation I would be caught in for the next ten years.
One afternoon, while roller skating with the kids I met this young man, very charming, long blonde hair, very intelligent and I immediately liked him.  He was too smart for his own good, so smart in fact he had a criminal mind.  Anyway, we began to date and he would be my first roller coaster relationship because at the time I had no idea what a crack addict was, or that he was in fact a disappearing addict.
He took me to a bar one night, we'll call it the Mack, it is still there in Atlanta, has moved to another location and when you go there you can see very attractive young men dancing on stages and on the bars.
I loved it!  It was so refreshing for a man to tell me I was beautiful, I smelled good, could he buy me a drink and he didn't have ulterior motives.
I became what is referred to as a fag hag.  I didn't even care that it didn't sound nice!  I loved gay men!
Many a night after I got off at the club, with no where to be, no one to tend to, I drove straight to the Mack, didn't even have any desire to go anywhere else.
There I met many people, people who were good to me, who accepted me, who were totally different than I was, but still welcomed me to be with them.
I have never ever seen a fight in a gay bar and all but the two boys I punched out for running their hand up the front of my dress, I never got into a fight in a gay bar.
This whole entire other universe opened up to me!
Michael and I began to live together and before too long I quit dancing for a while and we shot pool for a living.  We did really well and never ever had the first $10 we bet on a game.  We always did this in gay bars and it was never men I had a problem with it was always some little girl who wanted to disrespect me and flirt with my pretty little boyfriend right in my face.
There were many times he and I weren't together and I fended for myself.
I made more money selling shooters in a gay bar in two nights than I did all week long dancing, at an after hours club, that had a cabaret.  I would take many people to this place, with no problems, even met and took the band Bush there, even though I didn't believe they were who they said they were until I dropped them at their bus the next morning, around lunch time.  I just dogged their music out all night and had people at the bar buy them drinks.  We really did have a nice time.
I never really had anywhere to live and I would go out just because of that.
If anyone had a problem with me hanging out in these places, no one ever came forward and said so.
I was treated with respect and made friends and loved them and received love back.
I was completely taken with them and their lifestyle and how kind they were to everyone.
I can't even count the times I slept in mansions, never on someone's couch, always in the guest room because whomever I was hanging out with that night discovered I didn't have anywhere to stay for the night.  "Girl, we can't have you sleeping in the streets," was the standard response and they would promptly take me home with them.  I was never afraid, never even thought someone might do something to me and I slept in some of the nicest beds ever.  One room I slept in had matching wall paper and carpet that matched the covers on the bed along with the curtains and the bathroom was pink marble everything!
They fed me, they housed me, they were kinder to me than my own grandmother and I loved them.
Along the way I discovered they were rejected, they were mistreated, they were made fun of, and the people closest to them, who were supposed to love them, were the ones who treated them the worst.
I could never understand people, still don't.  Some of them have been so mistreated and judged and rejected they have mental issues.  Some of them have been disowned by their families and the people who have loved them their entire lives until they revealed who they really were.  How can you choose not to love your child?  How does a parent's love become conditional.  Some of them are the worst drug addicts ever trying to cope with all this pain and hurt and rejection.  Many have killed themselves unable to cope any longer.
The gay community was my secret garden where I was happy, where I sought out the people there, where I was loved and treated with respect.  I made lots of great friends, people who will forever be in my heart, people who left lasting impressions on me.  Many many faces and names I can't even recall to memory now, but I knew them and they knew me and we loved one another.
Now, here I stand today, a woman of God, and can't stand the labeling of people, but since we are making things clear, I still love gay people.  No other group of people ever in my entire life accepted me so willingly and showed me their goodness.
Time seemed to stand still in the places they hung out and many a day I've come out a darkened bar at lunch time, shielding my eyes from the sun like a vampire.
Here we are today, all these people still in my heart, all these memories forever etched in my mind, even though I'm not giving you details or names or situations or personal stories, I carry them with me everywhere I go.  They don't make me feel weird or wrong.  They are still the happiest times of my life, being with them, places I went, smiles on many faces.  I would like to think some of them remember me today, even though that's been a long time ago.
I needed love and acceptance as much as they did.  I was a young mother learning to live without her children, something that goes against all of nature in the world we live in.  I was trying to find out who I was and where I fit in and how I was going to survive, so were they.
I have a lady friend who has always been my lady friend, I don't care who are what she was to begin with, she's my friend and anyone who would ever be unkind to her has serious problems and I would have a problem with it.
All this ugliness and hate has spewed forth from the "christian" community about the decision to make gay marriage legal.  I've taken alot of people off my page, christian or not.  I watched alot of ministries crash and burn and lose their credibility with me because of their response.  I've seen judgement more vile than poison come from the lips of God's people on a matter that really doesn't even concern them.  Why is everything their business?
God is merciful and full of grace and love right?
He loves gay people too.
You don't have to like it, you don't even have to like me for saying it, but that's just the way it is.
God is love, He doesn't pick and choose who He loves, He is love!
We have to love the hell out of people not beat them down for every little thing we think is wrong with them.  Don't you think the world has done enough of that for all of us?
Telling someone what is wrong with them, the thing they need to change does nothing for that person and it puts us in a place of judgement, a place we aren't even qualified to be in, because God is the judge.  He's not sending down lightening bolts, or causing the earth to open and suck people up for their sin.  He's capable of it, has done it in the past, but His love for His son who died for us all protects us from that wrath.  He sees the sacrifice His son made for all of us and He sees Jesus' blood on all of us and He loves us.  Its like rose colored glasses, He sees Jesus, His Beloved, the blood He shed to deal with sin and He loves.  He simply loves.
We are in a new place now, the winds or change are blowing, God is testing the hearts of men.
The church has been so mean for so long, there are still things I wonder about, still little twitches of weirdness when I'm faced with something I don't understand or know how to accept, but the spirit leads and guides me and I listen for His voice.
I have always loved gay people, I will always love gay people.  There isn't one ounce of shame in me for saying it.  I will never ever stand and look on anyone with judgement, because that's not my job, my job is to love.  I love people.  It's so much easier than trying to figure out what is wrong with them and to find reasons not to.
I saw a video a gay priest presented and it was sound.  The church has been getting it wrong since before they killed Jesus, that means there have been many many other wrongs done in its name.
The world is a mean place, everyone knows that.
For me, its simpler to love everyone, to hope the world gets small enough for me to save it and to hold onto the hope and belief God loves us all, He doesn't pick and choose.  We were part of the family to begin with we just got lost along the way.
All this uproar is unnecessary, it's mean, it's hateful and I am seriously ashamed of some of my brothers and sisters right now.
Jesus said love me and love them, that's the bottom line.
Love me.  Love them.
How hard can it be?
I have loved them all along.
In my life love always wins.
Those who have loved me have left the most lasting impressions.
That love has saved me from myself and brought me to Jesus.  I don't care who gave it to me.
You are welcome to block me, to argue, to say what you feel you need to say, but I will not receive anything other than God loves us.
Gay people have always been good to me.
My commandment is to love.
I can do that.

SOMEONE PLEASE SHOW ME IN THE BIBLE WHERE IT TALKS ABOUT PROTOCOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two weeks ago I visited my friend's church, let's call him Miller, for the sake of argument.  I went to my church and after service was over there I joined him at his church.  I've been friends with this man for most of the time I've lived in Alabama.  He attended my oldest son's wedding and married my youngest son and his wife.  He's a person I'm always thrilled in my spirit to see and he's been a huge blessing in my life.  I did have a great deal of respect for him until yesterday.

While attending his church the preacher told everyone who needed healing to hold their hands up and instructed his prayer team to go and touch these people.  I don't specifically remember hearing him say it but being who I am I just flowed with the spirit.  There was a couple sitting behind me who were standing there alone and I didn't think anything about it, I walked over and took both their hands.  The man squeezed my hand so hard when he mentioned diabetes.  Then there was the big circus show of the all the people who came to the front of the church to tell everyone how they'd been healed.

Yesterday when I mentioned to him to save me a seat that I intended on visiting his church, this is the gist of the conversation we had.

He said someone asked him who I was because they saw me, never mind we were all supposed to be praying, but obviously this person was looking around.  He told her who I was and she proceeded to tell him to let me know I was out of line that I am only a visitor to that church and what I did was inappropriate.

It was like being punched in the stomach,

When he realized it had offended me, he said, "I didn't know you would take it like that and there are certain protocols that have to be followed."  He said my being offended was coming from a place of ignorance.  He also took the time to explain to me that if I was in the streets, with drug addicts and homeless people and prostitutes and praying for people then that would be fine.  (This was insult to injury as far as I'm concerned)

I promptly let him know I come from a place of no protocol and that my preacher is not only my friend and leader he has as much confidence in my anointing as his own.  I also let him know that had God thought I was out of order He would have promptly corrected me  I said, "Oh we wouldn't want anyone other than our church members coming in here for God to perform miracles through, wouldn't want them touching our members getting something on them, that's what it comes down to."

The saddest most devastating part of all was he didn't even try to comfort me or make me feel any better about it, he just finished his call with me.  These people claim to be apostolic, to have great anointing on their life.

There are churches that tell you you are welcome, until you don't look like them, you don't dress like them, you don't have the same haircut, you don't have the same fancy bible, until your shoes don't look a certain way and you better not have anything wrong with you, because, well, you just better not.

Grace has opened my eyes to alot of things and I have zero tolerance for the foolishness of other Christians.  It's frustrating that these people are supposed to be my brothers and sisters and they are condemning people, making people feel unwelcome, running people off who desperately need God and are having so little affect for the kingdom.

I sent him a text message later, when I stopped crying, when God calmed me down about it and it said, "That came out sounding like if you were in the street with all those folks you come from then it's perfectly alright if God moves then just not here.  Wow I am more than offended I am devastated and God talks to me too.  He would have let me know quick if I was wrong.  He does any other time loud and clear.  Yeah he really started talking to me for the first time ever six months ago when I put everybody out my house.  I am the church I don't play church Miller.  I love you don't worry about the seat that's why the church is ineffective no one is really welcome unless they fit into the criteria of the protocol.  When your preacher preaches on homosexuality and the supreme court tomorrow I pray your heart recognizes it's not coming from a place of love and that's not grace."

No reply.

My friend of all these years, didn't even feel the need to try to comfort me, build me back up, say anything in my defense whatsoever, I was completely wrong.

This is what my preacher deals with everyday, I deal with this!  There are so many people playing church and trying to scare the hell out of people that the world is still going to hell.  

Grace is a place of unconditional love, the love of Jesus.  

For the time being I do not want to continue my friendship with this person and I don't want people like this in my life because there are people who have lots of questions who are on the brink of getting saved and these kind of people spout off a mixed message and all the good is cast into confusion.  God has assigned me to be a fisher of men, I had no idea there was a protocol to that command.  I haven't seen anything in the bible about protocol and I've read it enough that if I missed even ten times I would have seen something about it by now.  I know that God is not the author of confusion and being told this by someone who supposedly loves me who is supposed to be a brother spun me out into confusion.  The spirit has never stopped me, not once, and said, "Now Darlene you have to follow protocol to do this."  What is protocol?  

The bible is not a baseball bat, scripture is not to be thrown around at people, twisted up to mean what we want it to, to hurt others, to point out other people's faults, their sin shall we say.

I'll be honest, since I started chasing God the only time I've heard the word sin is out of all the great church people.  I've not given it a second thought as to my sin.  I talk with God all day long and not once has he said to me, "Darlene we're going to have to deal with all this sin in your life."

What ignorance and don't get me started about the people who are always talking about the devil and what he's doing to them, oh my goodness!

Jesus dealt with sin once and for all at the cross, why can't His own people understand that?

There are times when I'm completely overwhelmed at how the world looks better than the church and I'm sure that's God letting me see what others see.  No one wants to go to church and come out feeling all beat up, that's not how it is supposed to be.  The gospel is good news, Jesus loves you, nothing can separate you from the love of God, you are welcome in the kingdom.  No wonder people think they aren't good enough, no wonder they church hop and they can't settle down because they are still seeking that which needs to be found for them.

I have a serious issue with being called a Christian for the simple fact the Christians don't act anything like Christ, they just wear nice suits and carry nice bibles, there is no light shining from them.  I want to be like Jesus, the light of the world, I call myself a Jesus Freak or a Renegade of Grace, you will never hear me call myself a Christian.  I don't want anyone associating me with that bunch!

I want to look like Jesus, not the people who claim to know Him.

It's not even amazing to me anymore, the mean people who call themselves the church, I'm not surprised by any of it, I'm hurt and angry but I am not a bit surprised and there is nothing amazing about it.  They look crazy, they make pimps and drug dealers look like people you'd want to be friends with.

They are posers, they are wolves dressed in sheep's clothing, they are everything other than what they claim to be and all you have to do is stand around and watch them long enough to see that.

I've heard all kinds of horror stories from God's grace people about what they experienced when they were hurting and wounded and broken and trying to find peace in their lives.

Please, whatever you do when talking about me, don't tell anyone I'm a Christian because I am not!  I am a Renegade of Grace, I am a Jesus Freak, I am a child of God and if you don't believe me just watch me walk it out in love.

Until next time, love everyone, practice not having an opinion and make your journey too.

God bless

Embracing Change

There is an old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." but that's not true, dogs can learn new tricks at any age and are eager to do so.
People fight against change rather than embrace it, just like the flesh fights against the spirit, even though the spirit is stronger and has more peace.
The world is changing almost daily and people just refuse to give up old traditions, they want to argue and disagree on old things and they do.  They can't stand for things to be different and they fight against new things.
Change is good where I come from and from where I stand today.  My life had to change or I was going to die and all change was good.  I live by the philosophy that change can and will be good, because God loves me and has great plans for me.
From the moment white people set foot on  American soil there has been theft and murder and slavery and war.  We stole America from the Indians, we stole Africa from the black people and now people are all up in the air because the government is stealing their southern heritage and turning it into a symbol of racism.  Why are we any different than anyone else who has been mistreated by this country?
The winds of change are blowing and people still won't stick together, they still squabble over the slightest things.  They still disagree on scripture and lifestyle and everything under the sun.
The enemy is buried deep in our country and his job is to steal, kill and destroy, divide and conquer and he's doing a really good job of it from what I see.  I never like to give him credit but looking at the big picture of America and all the things going on in it, that's what I see.
We are supposed to be united, to stand together, to stand up for each other and still there is the back and forth.
Now everyone seems so surprised they've taken down the confederate flag.
All change is not good, but ranting and raving about things that cannot be changed makes people look insane and they don't really even care about the things that can be changed, that are good changes.
The same thing goes on in the church.  The church refuses to give up old traditions and the law and move into grace and love.
It's the same all the way around, the difference is embracing the change, either way.
I've got more important things to do with my life than argue, rant and rave, worry myself over things I can't change, when there are so many lives to save, so many people who still need to know Jesus loves them.

Run Like a Prodigal and the question God asked me this morning

Its gotten so hot lately I'm getting out really early in the morning, to do some things that need to be done, before the heat really starts warming up the asphalt.  I'm outside, all geared up, sunglasses, towel, christian internet radio going in my ears, the blower wide open.  What you should know is the whole facility is my home and I like my home to be clean and presentable so there are necessary evils that go along with that.  If you need a mental picture it's half the size of a football field and there is asphalt, lots of it.

Yesterday was father's day and had me feeling a certain kind of way because everyone seemed to have such great dads and had normal relationships, if a relationship of any kind can be normal, and here I was knowing what I know about my own dad and well, that's not what I'm talking about this morning.

Halfway down the aisle this song comes on telling you to "run like the prodigal" and that's when the tears started to freely flow down my cheeks.  The same thing happens in the car or truck sometimes, that moment when the dam breaks and God starts talking to me.

I let someone push me over the edge last week and before it was over with my last post was, "Kiss my tattooed ass!" and I left it there and went to bed.  When I got up the next morning I took it down and I don't know who saw it but it put me in a place of shame. 

I'm listening to this song and the tears are streaming down my face and He said to me, "Darlene how many times have you told someone to kiss your ass?" and I was stunned for a second.  Then I laughed, because it was so funny he would ask me that.  When I didn't say anything he said, "You've told other people lots of other things worse than that and you were still my girl then."

"I'm perfect sweety, you are redeemed.  I bought you out of this world when you'd already been in it for a while.  It had done things to you, you'd seen things, you had become a person with no boundaries and still I loved you.  You're still a little rough around some of the edges, you still have issues and until now you always stand so tall and proud for me.  Don't bow down to mistakes Darlene, you are still my child, I still have something so important for you to do.  Are you going to let a set back as small as this shut you down?  Look how far you've come and there is still a long way to go child, you better pick yourself up by your boot straps and get back on your job, because you still work for me."

How do you argue with God?  I'm not saying I haven't but how do you argue with Him when you know He is right?  I'm still releasing the dam, there are still tears pouring down my cheeks, but it's alright, it's all the stuff that has no room in me.  It's all the sorrow I carry around for everyone else, it's all the things I keep to myself until they have to come out to make room for all of it all over again. 

How many people can say God asked me how many people I've told to kiss my ass?  I know, I'm laughing too.  

He's amazing!  He just loves me more and more.  He keeps picking me back up and showing me the way.  

Grandmother

I never knew how sweet being a grandmother actually was until I had grandchildren.  I didn't know God was going to put this unexpected immeasurable love in their heart for me.  It's one of life's greatest mysteries, how they instantly love us.

I am amazed by it every single day, this love I did not earn.  I don't pay their bills, or sit up nights when they are sick, or provide for any of their immediate needs but they love me with a fierceness.

My own grandmother is 88, in an old folks home, doesn't know who I am anymore, but I still send her letters and tell her about all of us, so she might remember.  I love my grandmother, spent a great deal of time and weekends at her house growing up and even at age 44 when I went to see her on my vacation I slept with her like I always have.

My most prized possessions are some black and white pictures my daddy took of she and I together when I was around seven or eight.  They are all over my house and I see her in them everyday.  

She was a good looking girl, tall, wavy auburn hair, with nothing more than some lipstick on.  I have a picture of her and her sister walking down the street holding hands.  She told me girls always held hands then and there were vendors on the street that would take your picture and sell it to you.  This particular picture was one of those.  I remember asking for a copy of it and it was hysterically funny how every house I went to that day had a copy of the photograph.  That picture has to be over sixty years old.

Now we have the digital age and I'm so thankful because I don't really have any baby pictures of my youngest son, but I have tons of pictures of everyone now.

I am a grandmother 13 times over.  They are the most interesting and fantastic people I have ever met in my entire life!  They are pleasant and easy going and there's nothing they do that upsets me, much to the displeasure of their parents at times.

I speak to them as though they are grown, I do not spank because we have an understanding and it's that you mind Nanny and that's all there is to it.  I let them do things I would have never allowed my own children to do, like riding bikes in the house, jumping on furniture and beds, going in my refrigerator for goodies.  They make me laugh, they make my heart splash on the floor and they make my life have new meaning.

The Homeless Man

This morning, standing on the corner up from my house, was the man I bought lunch for Easter was a year ago. I'll never forget that day, it was about a hundred degrees out and he didn't have any shoes on. He was standing at the on ramp on the Boulevard. Antoine Murphy said, "You're fixin to get out of the truck aren't you?"
Of course I was! He hugged me so big that day, telling me how people were looking down on him. When I saw him I immediately knew who he was because he has beautiful green eyes and how could you forget someone who was so happy to get a hug? Someone who needed to be shown some love so badly? He's still in the street, just like my husband and so many others. It reminded me that all this time he's remained in bondage to whatever it is that has hold of him. Phil Bevilacqua talks about people being in cages even though the door is standing wide open. I don't judge him because I used to be him. I don't judge anyone, it's the state of their hearts I'm interested in, not what they are doing, what they look like, what they smell like, who they hang with. What's important to me is God has brought me a mighty long way, I've been forgiven much so I love much. There are so many people in the world standing in cages even though the door is open. Love everyone, give to everyone you can, smile at everyone you meet, you don't know what they are going through, they need love as badly as you do. Remember that next time you are tempted to look down on that guy standing on the street corner, he could very well be you, standing in a cage with the door open. Ride or Die!

Precious Warrior Jill

Jill Patience Browning is on everyone's mind tonight, as we all go to bed counting our blessings and thinking of those we love. I've been thinking about her all day, just like so many others. My mind kept flashing back to pictures she's posted during this time, always smiling, always trudging on. We are all better people for having known her. I've watched and cheered her on as best I could and tonight as I go to bed, my heart isn't heavy because man she's fought such a great fight, all with a smile on her face and I know who she will be meeting when her fight is ended. Tonight with tears streaming down my face, having lost my mother to the same fight, I cheer her on into glory! Father receive my friend, comfort us in our loss, give us beauty for our ashes and I thank you she won't be sick anymore. I thank you there won't be another chemo treatment for her to suffer. I thank you for her life and the inspiration she's been to all of us. I thank you for the countless prayers we've sent up on her behalf. I thank you for preparing a place for her and loaning her to us while we were here together. Be with her family Lord, replace their tears with peace and comfort and laughter and let us always remember the great warrior she taught each and every one of us to be!

Man Hating (WOW)

Everyone has had their heart broken, everyone has ruined a good relationship by making a big mistake, whether it was on purpose or not.
I'm seeing an entire generation of women hating on men.  They don't want one, or so they claim, and their posts are so vicious and mean, they don't have to worry about finding one either.  They say things like, "I don't need a man.", or "I can take care of myself.", the list goes on and on.  They rant on and on about how he won't do this and he won't pay his child support and he's this that and the other.
You can't make anyone do anything!
If he wasn't taking care of his other children what possessed you to have one with him and expect things to be different?  What made you think your child was more special?
You don't need a man, right?  So why do you spend every waking moment dogging him out to give you his money?  Why is he expected to do anything for you when you don't need him?  If he's that bad why would you want someone like that coming around?
It's the same thing when a woman starts seeing a man who is with someone else.  If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you, and furthermore you can never trust him, because you can't even trust yourself.  What makes you more special than her?  Absolutely nothing.  You are condoning his bad behavior the minute you decide to have a relationship with him.
My motto has always been never let one person ruin you for everyone else.
In my journey I have met alot of men who have let some girl tear them down so bad, they are mad at the rest of us and think we are all alike:  the same goes for women.
People often treat others like toys, they want what they want until they see something else they think they want and just like a small child they discard whatever is in front of them and move on to the next.
I've met several men recently and one even had the nerve to ask me when I was going to sleep with him.
Excuse me, I don't know what kind of women you've been dating but that's not the kind of woman I am and I am never going to sleep with you because you aren't my husband!  Give me a break!  
When am I going to sleep with you?  Seriously?
When are you going to put a big fat ring on my finger, give me your last name and pay my bills?
There are times when I am so offended about it, but God always reminds me that He is the standard and people who don't know him don't have standards.
My friends will say, "You've got it going on girl!"
In the end I just want to go take a shower.  When are you going to sleep with me?
I've been hurt, I've been used, cheated on, lied to and discarded like yesterday's toy but I am not angry with anyone about it: I am not holding it against the entire race of men, because what happened to me happened with one person and it's that person's problem not mine.
I'm not perfect so don't get it twisted, I just know it's not everyone's fault that one or two people have a problem.  We all have issues and some are worse than others.
In all of this man hating I see, I feel great pity for the women who do it.  They wear their hurt on their sleeve for everyone to see and they want to shout about it from the rooftops.  They want everyone to know what a terrible person he is and how he falls short as a human being.  They have a hundred foot barrier around them that keeps anyone decent from getting in.  They alienate anyone who could possibly care and push away anyone who tries to help them get past it.  In all this rage and hurt they devalue themselves trying to rip him to pieces and in the end they come out looking like they need to get help and nothing gets solved with the person they are constantly ranting about.
It's not everyone's fault that someone hurt you.
It's not everyone else's fault you don't understand that you can't make anyone do anything.
It's not everyone else's fault you can't find the strength to let it go and move on.
It's not everyone else's fault you refuse to forgive that person so you can get better.
Me personally, I like men, I am looking forward to the next good one God sends me and for the first time in my life I know exactly how to treat him.
I don't hate my soon to be ex-husband, I still love him.  He was good to me when he was able to be good to me.  He made me feel beautiful and wanted and even if he wasn't able to provide for me.  I never held it against him, who he was, what he was, being without him.
I did my best to make him a King.  When he was in prison I wrote him letters everyday.  I talked to him about everything, made him my best friend, kept him mentally in the world with me.  I planted seeds of hope in him, I planted seeds of dreams in him, I planted seeds of love in him, it's not his fault the only seeds that bloomed were the seeds of love.
I knew he was a drug addict when I met him.  I was just as bad off as he was when we first got together.  I knew what I was getting and I knew the challenges I would face going into the situation.
In the end it was my expectations that really got things twisted up.  He couldn't deliver anything I expected and that put us in a whole new place.
The day I couldn't show him understanding and unconditional love anymore, was the day I loaded him into my truck and took him back home.  There's no reason to destroy him, he can do that to himself.
I'm not angry with him, I will not bash and beat him down, I can only walk peacefully away, because I have done all I could possibly do and I've come to the end of the road with it.
I made a decision there were things I couldn't live with and if I couldn't be cool calm and collected there was nothing more I could do.
At the end of the day he didn't do anything to me, he did it all to himself and I have no reason to hate him.  I still lay in bed at night and ask God to watch over him.  I still believe he can come to his senses one day and get his life together, I just can't hang around and wait for that to happen because I no longer want to.
I'm still standing here wondering if I'm capable of loving anyone the way I've loved him.  He still loves me which is why he won't sign the divorce papers.
I forgive him, I forgave him the minute he got out of my truck and I didn't do any of this to intentionally hurt him.
The best thing we can do in relationships is not expect anything from the other person and pour out all the good we have on them.  It was always what I could do for him, I never even noticed what I was lacking in my life because I was doing that.  It was always what was the next right thing to do to try to help him get better.
I never tried to change him, I just kept showing him how good life could be without drugs and he kept going back, no matter how good our life together was.

Johnny Cash

In case you didn't know, after I meet God, no matter how long that encounter will be, He's going to let me meet Johnny Cash who loved him so much he left one company who said people wouldn't buy records if he sang about Jesus, the minute his contract ended and the man sang about Jesus until the day he died and after Joshua and Jeremiah (the crying prophet) he's my favorite walking talking male bible character. Kris Kerstofferson is going to be there with him on that day and they are going to play such beautiful music tears of joy are going to flow down my cheeks. After that God is going to let me meet Rahab and Mary Magdalene and that will be enough to satisfy my soul for all of eternity!

God sings this song to me all the time

Keep on moving to the first rays of dawn
Keeping it on 'til the day stays strong
Runnin 'til the night time blazes on
All along I keep singing my song
I said, this phase is always
Sometimes I get so crazed
But just know that I'll always stay
'Cause you're my light through the haze

[Chorus:]
It's time for a champion
Soothe the soul of the land
Mend the heart from the sea and the sand
'Til the sun comes up again
[2x]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

[Verse 2:]
When the sun set I let myself down
Found the ground beneath my feet gone
No more words were there to speak
On that day my song was born
Never meant to leave you all alone
Said I'd be your shelter from the storm
Now your clothes have all been torn
Kingdom sacked attacked and dethroned

[Chorus]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

It's the way of the world
You're on your own
Time to grow and be a man
Wanna fly high like Peter Pan
No more Never Never Land
So lose your backpack filled with sand
Come along and take my hand
We'll walk together, walk forever

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

[2x]
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Walk with me now, talk with me now, baby
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Walk with me, momma, talk with me now

While On The Block

I saw a sad shell of a man yesterday, hobbling down the street, half dead, dirty, didnt even have to see his face to know who it was. I was stopped at a red light not six feet from him, my heart pounding like crazy, wanting to push the car in front of me out of the way, if that man had looked up he would have seen his wife.


It's my own fault, really, because I was somewhere I wouldn't normally be, but it happened just the same. 
When I go to Atlanta and I pass the west side I always drive through the trap, I can't help it, its what I do, its where I came from.  I never want to forget where I came from and there are times when I need to see how far God has brought me.  He, my husband, used to scold me all the time about driving through there, but I've never been scared of it.  I used to drive through twice a day going to and from work.  I've driven through when I had lots of money in my purse.  It doesn't affect me now because I've been doing it for so long and if I feel a certain way about it, I just keep going.
There have been many times when I stopped and gave someone I knew a good word, or some money or prayed for someone as I was going by.  I used to picked up everybody walking along the side of the street on my way to church and drive them back down the block afterwards.
I lived there for a long time, called those means streets my home and the people in them my family.  There are times when I can look back and see how often God protected my life in a place where life has no value, people are bought and sold every day and no one loves you.
I was caught completely by surprise because I hadn't expected him to be on the Boulevard, I expected him to be up in Adamsville, a few blocks away, the Flat Lands.  His mother lives up that way and he's always telling me how he doesn't like the Boulevard, how the boys are fighting and killing one another over the girls.  He told me he was sitting at the bus stop and some boys came along and killed the boy sitting next to him, yet he's still out there.
That's the insanity of it.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
He's been shot four or five times himself!  He's still out there, doing what he does, those instances of almost dying being the furthest thing from his mind, because he's trying to get high.  Trying to catch a high that's long past and will never return to him the same way he wants it, but he's still chasing behind it just like the rest of them, listening to that voice that's constantly talking to him.
I know him anywhere, I know him lurking in the trees, I know him bent over looking on the ground for something someone may have dropped, I know him in the dark from blocks away, I know him because I have loved him for the last thirteen years and will continue to love him until the day I die.  I can get in my car right this minute, drive the two and half hours there and find him in less than five minutes, I've done it so many times before.  
I was so scared sitting at that red light, him so close, not that he would hurt me, but this big gigantic scene would have played out.  I am crazy but I'm far from stupid and I've had enough of those scenes to know I didn't want one that day.  He would've tried to get in the car with me, then he would want me to take him somewhere and he'd want to know if I had any money and it would have been this huge ordeal to get him to go on about his business and leave me alone, I didn't even want him to know I was in Georgia!  I had the puppy with me and that would have caused an even bigger scene and then I would have found myself standing on the boulevard trying to get the puppy back or just running him over to get away from him.
He may have come up with the bright idea he could sell the puppy to get some crack and snatched him out of the car to do just that.  
When he got shot the last time, he called me and I didn't believe him until I saw the ambulance with him sitting in the back of it.  I had just gotten a car, I had money, I wondered if he was trying to get me down there so they could take my car.  Addicts have this wonderful way of burning up all your trust and you begin to second guess and suspect everyone of ulterior motives.  There was a time when I would give my mother in law the keys to my car, so it would still be at the house in the morning when I woke up.  I used to give her all my money too, because that's just what you have to do in order to lay down and go to sleep with an addict.  When he wasn't home, I barely slept expecting him to come in looking crazy at any moment.
There are people in the street I've known for so long I can tell you who they are from half a mile away, I never have to see their faces, I know their body language, we used to be family, we roamed the streets together, got high together, argued and tried our best to survive.  Many of them are still there, even though I've been gone all this time.  It's amazing to me they are still there when I look at my own life, how different it is now, how far away I've traveled from that place.  I still go to church there sometimes and there they are, tired, beat down, dozing off during service, year after year.
He was limping with a styrofoam box in his hand because one of the churches had bee down there earlier handing out food,  I couldn't see much because there are huge hedges in the lot they were on, which is exactly how I would have missed him.  I was going to see an old friend and cut the four or so blocks through from one highway to the other.  He had on jeans and a wife beater, I didn't see what kind of shoes, he was dirty and tired and looked miserable, my guess is he was so miserable and not high he didn't even know he was in the world.  He's lost a good twenty five thirty pounds and being so tall it shows.  He weighed about two thirty five when I took him home in October, because he'd relapsed twice here, took the car I'm still paying for, stayed gone four days the second time.  
I saw him walking with a dope boy and a white girl.  I didn't feel anything but shocked at seeing him. Thank God I wasn't in my truck that would have been game over.  Oh my goodness!  I'm so glad I was in the car.
I didn't even feel any kind of way seeing him tag along behind the girl, because even I know white girls are gold in the trap and if you're really trying to catch some money and get high you should stick with the white girls.
It was about me, not him  I filed for divorce after nine years, i just can't do it anymore.  I can't fix him, he doesn't want to be well, he's always going to go back and I've got thirteen years experience in knowing that.  I can't go back!  I've been trying to drag him out of hell while God is trying to move me forward into something else.
I didn't want to go to him.  I didn't feel sad for him, I didn't even feel any of the old feelings I've been nurturing for him deep down inside me, I felt nothing except fear he would see me.  It concreted my resolve that he's doing what he wants to do, he's where he wants to be and I'm of no consequence.
Behind the scenes of this God was whispering to me "See?  It's alright.  I've got him and I've got you too, do what you have to do I won't hold it against you."  My peace never left me.
It's over.  It was over before it started but God gave his daughter the desire of her heart and it was him, even knowing what would happen and how it would end.
I'm okay with that.
I still lock the doors at night, just in case he shows up, but that's out of years of habit knowing addicts are unpredictable.  He won't be coming down here, even though the back of my mind is always saying, you never know.  I do know, I saw the state of the man on that street, he won't be down here.
I don't even entertain what he's thinking because I know him and he's using me as an excuse to be worse off than ever before, because it's what he does.  
He's sitting down there giving everyone advice, telling others what he thinks they should do, how they should go home, how they shouldn't be like him.  I've heard it all before, I've witnessed it firsthand and the story never changes.
My humanity still aches for him, I still pray for him every night, I still believe God for his deliverance, but if he had five years clean and a job all that time, he still couldn't ask me to dinner, it's gone that far.  I have alot of responsibility and I've let him have it all for far too long.  My life came back around to me and I took it back and it's something so different than any life I've ever had before and there's no place for him in it, because he's left me for the streets so many times I'm numb.  It's worse than a man who cheats because atleast with a cheater you can compete with the women he cheats on you with.  You can't compete with the streets or drugs, it's not possible, but it feels just as bad as being cheated on.
The time came when I couldn't accept him back with unconditional love, when I'd run out of responses because I'd tried every one.  The only thing I didn't do was take a two by four to the side of his head and with my luck I would have killed him and I'd be sitting in prison, so it's just as well I decided long ago he wasn't going to learn anything that way.
It doesn't matter anymore,  It's so broken there will be no fixing it.  He made me a liar vowing the rest of my life to do something no one can do.  I've felt so bad about that part of it.  I was a good wife, I spent six years waiting for him to get out of prison, writing him letters every single day, I took him back time and time again only for him to leave time and time again.
Now I'm just waiting on my court day so I can be free and change my name.
I'm waiting for the day I can drive there with someone to help me load my stuff out of my mother in law's shed and bring it back home at long last.  I'm waiting for the day when God sends that next someone along who is going to be His man.
I've spent alot of time waiting and waiting and waiting over the last thirteen years, I've developed alot of patience and when my heart stopped blinding me my mind knew it was time to move on.  It's time to move on, it's okay for me to want to do that.  My Father in heaven has reassured me He's not holding it against me.