As many of you know I spent a great deal of my young adult life homeless. My grandmother didn't want a stripper living in her house, good christian woman that she was, but she did allow my children to stay, so they could attend a decent school, and have warm beds to sleep in, food to eat every day and clothes that were clean.
After my divorce, I still took the boys places, showed them it was okay to still be kids, have fun, be happy, even though our lives weren't what we would have liked for them to be. I took them to eat in fine restaurants, we went to movies, we spent plenty of money at the dollar tree for toys to take to the park and we went roller skating.
I had never been without them, from the time I was seventeen years old. It was very difficult for me, a mother, to find myself suddenly without children. I was 27, had never been anywhere by myself, not even to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. Rather than it being relished freedom I had only been able to dream about, it was a total nightmare of feeling inadequate, a failure as a person and a parent, desperately trying to figure out a way to fix a situation I would be caught in for the next ten years.
One afternoon, while roller skating with the kids I met this young man, very charming, long blonde hair, very intelligent and I immediately liked him. He was too smart for his own good, so smart in fact he had a criminal mind. Anyway, we began to date and he would be my first roller coaster relationship because at the time I had no idea what a crack addict was, or that he was in fact a disappearing addict.
He took me to a bar one night, we'll call it the Mack, it is still there in Atlanta, has moved to another location and when you go there you can see very attractive young men dancing on stages and on the bars.
I loved it! It was so refreshing for a man to tell me I was beautiful, I smelled good, could he buy me a drink and he didn't have ulterior motives.
I became what is referred to as a fag hag. I didn't even care that it didn't sound nice! I loved gay men!
Many a night after I got off at the club, with no where to be, no one to tend to, I drove straight to the Mack, didn't even have any desire to go anywhere else.
There I met many people, people who were good to me, who accepted me, who were totally different than I was, but still welcomed me to be with them.
I have never ever seen a fight in a gay bar and all but the two boys I punched out for running their hand up the front of my dress, I never got into a fight in a gay bar.
This whole entire other universe opened up to me!
Michael and I began to live together and before too long I quit dancing for a while and we shot pool for a living. We did really well and never ever had the first $10 we bet on a game. We always did this in gay bars and it was never men I had a problem with it was always some little girl who wanted to disrespect me and flirt with my pretty little boyfriend right in my face.
There were many times he and I weren't together and I fended for myself.
I made more money selling shooters in a gay bar in two nights than I did all week long dancing, at an after hours club, that had a cabaret. I would take many people to this place, with no problems, even met and took the band Bush there, even though I didn't believe they were who they said they were until I dropped them at their bus the next morning, around lunch time. I just dogged their music out all night and had people at the bar buy them drinks. We really did have a nice time.
I never really had anywhere to live and I would go out just because of that.
If anyone had a problem with me hanging out in these places, no one ever came forward and said so.
I was treated with respect and made friends and loved them and received love back.
I was completely taken with them and their lifestyle and how kind they were to everyone.
I can't even count the times I slept in mansions, never on someone's couch, always in the guest room because whomever I was hanging out with that night discovered I didn't have anywhere to stay for the night. "Girl, we can't have you sleeping in the streets," was the standard response and they would promptly take me home with them. I was never afraid, never even thought someone might do something to me and I slept in some of the nicest beds ever. One room I slept in had matching wall paper and carpet that matched the covers on the bed along with the curtains and the bathroom was pink marble everything!
They fed me, they housed me, they were kinder to me than my own grandmother and I loved them.
Along the way I discovered they were rejected, they were mistreated, they were made fun of, and the people closest to them, who were supposed to love them, were the ones who treated them the worst.
I could never understand people, still don't. Some of them have been so mistreated and judged and rejected they have mental issues. Some of them have been disowned by their families and the people who have loved them their entire lives until they revealed who they really were. How can you choose not to love your child? How does a parent's love become conditional. Some of them are the worst drug addicts ever trying to cope with all this pain and hurt and rejection. Many have killed themselves unable to cope any longer.
The gay community was my secret garden where I was happy, where I sought out the people there, where I was loved and treated with respect. I made lots of great friends, people who will forever be in my heart, people who left lasting impressions on me. Many many faces and names I can't even recall to memory now, but I knew them and they knew me and we loved one another.
Now, here I stand today, a woman of God, and can't stand the labeling of people, but since we are making things clear, I still love gay people. No other group of people ever in my entire life accepted me so willingly and showed me their goodness.
Time seemed to stand still in the places they hung out and many a day I've come out a darkened bar at lunch time, shielding my eyes from the sun like a vampire.
Here we are today, all these people still in my heart, all these memories forever etched in my mind, even though I'm not giving you details or names or situations or personal stories, I carry them with me everywhere I go. They don't make me feel weird or wrong. They are still the happiest times of my life, being with them, places I went, smiles on many faces. I would like to think some of them remember me today, even though that's been a long time ago.
I needed love and acceptance as much as they did. I was a young mother learning to live without her children, something that goes against all of nature in the world we live in. I was trying to find out who I was and where I fit in and how I was going to survive, so were they.
I have a lady friend who has always been my lady friend, I don't care who are what she was to begin with, she's my friend and anyone who would ever be unkind to her has serious problems and I would have a problem with it.
All this ugliness and hate has spewed forth from the "christian" community about the decision to make gay marriage legal. I've taken alot of people off my page, christian or not. I watched alot of ministries crash and burn and lose their credibility with me because of their response. I've seen judgement more vile than poison come from the lips of God's people on a matter that really doesn't even concern them. Why is everything their business?
God is merciful and full of grace and love right?
He loves gay people too.
You don't have to like it, you don't even have to like me for saying it, but that's just the way it is.
God is love, He doesn't pick and choose who He loves, He is love!
We have to love the hell out of people not beat them down for every little thing we think is wrong with them. Don't you think the world has done enough of that for all of us?
Telling someone what is wrong with them, the thing they need to change does nothing for that person and it puts us in a place of judgement, a place we aren't even qualified to be in, because God is the judge. He's not sending down lightening bolts, or causing the earth to open and suck people up for their sin. He's capable of it, has done it in the past, but His love for His son who died for us all protects us from that wrath. He sees the sacrifice His son made for all of us and He sees Jesus' blood on all of us and He loves us. Its like rose colored glasses, He sees Jesus, His Beloved, the blood He shed to deal with sin and He loves. He simply loves.
We are in a new place now, the winds or change are blowing, God is testing the hearts of men.
The church has been so mean for so long, there are still things I wonder about, still little twitches of weirdness when I'm faced with something I don't understand or know how to accept, but the spirit leads and guides me and I listen for His voice.
I have always loved gay people, I will always love gay people. There isn't one ounce of shame in me for saying it. I will never ever stand and look on anyone with judgement, because that's not my job, my job is to love. I love people. It's so much easier than trying to figure out what is wrong with them and to find reasons not to.
I saw a video a gay priest presented and it was sound. The church has been getting it wrong since before they killed Jesus, that means there have been many many other wrongs done in its name.
The world is a mean place, everyone knows that.
For me, its simpler to love everyone, to hope the world gets small enough for me to save it and to hold onto the hope and belief God loves us all, He doesn't pick and choose. We were part of the family to begin with we just got lost along the way.
All this uproar is unnecessary, it's mean, it's hateful and I am seriously ashamed of some of my brothers and sisters right now.
Jesus said love me and love them, that's the bottom line.
Love me. Love them.
How hard can it be?
I have loved them all along.
In my life love always wins.
Those who have loved me have left the most lasting impressions.
That love has saved me from myself and brought me to Jesus. I don't care who gave it to me.
You are welcome to block me, to argue, to say what you feel you need to say, but I will not receive anything other than God loves us.
Gay people have always been good to me.
My commandment is to love.
I can do that.
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