This recently happened to me with a restaurant we used to go to when I was a teenager. We used to go to this place every Friday night and it was awesome. The restaurant closed and we were left with another restaurant of the same sort in it's wake, but we didn't really care for that one. Over the years, having no choice but to eat at the other restaurant because that's all there was, my memory of the former never faded as being the one we liked better. I recently got to eat at that restaurant again, for the first time in over 18 years and it just wasn't as good as I remembered, the food at the other restaurant is better, but somewhere in my memory it is still stored as great.
There's an old saying "You can never go back home." Being who I am I don't buy into the status quo, I don't care what folks say, I don't care if I look dumb doing things I believe in. I have to help people even if they get over on me, it doesn't change the drive and desire in me to be God's hands. Sure, I get stung every now and then, but that sting is so small compared to the joy that fills my heart to bursting when God leads me to do something for Him.
A year ago around this time, I was heartbroken about my marriage I wasn't willing to stay in and clearly remember hearing myself say, "It's not fair, I didn't get my Cinderella story, my happily ever after."
Being a child of God, having eternity to live, what a foolish thing for me to have said, because God's people will get their happily ever after. We have all of eternity to live in! We have all of eternity to party and be with our Father! That totally sounds like happily ever after to me.
I spent a year, a month and ever how many days without my husband. I filed for divorce and paid the attorney in full, up front. I was resolved to end my marriage for no other reason than intolerance of his behavior and fatigue.
How many of you know I was getting in God's way? My expectations exceeded my reality. My desire to be a help mate dissipated and I moved into a realm of I'm going to take care of myself, I will do this with my life instead.
I know who I am, I know who I belong to and I did just fine operating in that love, that knowing and wasn't even lonely. People came and went, with their foolishness and their motives, but God did not allow anyone to stay more than momentarily, to make more than a shaking my head kind of impact on me and to cause to me to wish for my happily ever after.
When I did think of my husband it was in a shut off kind of way, seeing only the things I couldn't deal with, the stuff he did and not the man I actually loved.
When the opportunity arose for him to be back in my life, my heart and mind went to work, giving me all the reasons I didn't want to do it, a fear tried to creep back in, a voice whispered I was a fool and would end up looking stupid. All these things wrestled in my spirit, my logic, my reasoning, my shut off sense of I'm not doing this anymore.
Over the den of voices, the emotions playing tug of war, the lies being chanted by every force in the world, I clearly heard my Daddy say, "Go get that man." I even spent a couple of more days making sure it was He who had said it and not some silly emotionally charged thought I had.
I was still absolutely terrified when I got out of the truck and saw him for the first time in all that time, my stomach twisted in knots, all those voices in my head telling me to go back home, the walls of my resolve beginning to crumble. He is still dealing with hurt feelings because the first words that jumped out of my mouth were "You look terrible." Never mind they were coming from a broken place, I said them, he heard them, they went into him differently than they had come out of me.
Wow, just wow.
He was not the man I had dropped off a year earlier, although in my mind he was. In my mind he was huge and healthy and well, this just wasn't that man standing in front of me.
Fear was trying to paralyze me and then came the truth.
I saw desolation all around me, the house seemed to be falling down and in disrepair, I even thought he was high for a moment, watching him blow the leaves off the back porch for his mother, before leaving her to her life. Voices were screaming in my head "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "Look at him!" my heart was pounding a thousand miles an hour and I felt like I was about to fall into this great void.
He'd done something he can't ever take back in his pain and anger against me and when it was all said and done God said, "You have to forgive him right now, right this second." I cried and loaded boxes onto my truck, I walked back and forth time after time wallowing in the pain of it all. I'm not even going to tell you what it was because I did forgive him and I've resolved myself never to mention it again, just like God never reminds me of who I used to be.
In the recesses of my mind, buried deep in my frustration and anger and fatigue were memories of him, sweet precious memories I didn't let myself have, like how he washes my truck and car, spends hours at a time getting them clean knowing I am going to let the dogs smudge the windows right back up. I forgot how he washes my dishes, cleans my house, says the sweetest things to me, makes me laugh and knows how to have fun. I forgot how wonderful it is to be at home in my own skin because of him. Many many things buried behind the voices and memories and dark shadows that have stood guard over that part of me. I don't mind the tv being entirely too loud, little messes here and there where he's been posted up. It is my great pleasure to cook for him, to see him in the living room completely immersed in a video game, to have laughing little spats.
I've had people along the way to love me and encourage me, to keep me moving forward dropping chains all along the way. Those same people are there for him, to do the same, to help him on his journey. I can't be of any help carrying around my own expectations, my how things should be thoughts, my wishing things were different. I can only see the next good thing to do for him, to be for him, to give to him and the rest of it is between him and his Daddy.
In order to get my happily ever after with him I have to live the entire Cinderella story and to tell the truth it's a great story and all of it isn't bad. To get my happily ever after with God, I just have to be.
How cool is that?
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