Stuck In The Loop

Stuck In The Loop

The last couple of days have been good ones even though stupid stuff is going on in my life.  Living with an addict your life plays out on this loop that's stuck.  You go along, thinking everything is going to be alright then they do the deed.  No explanation, no way to understand it, no figuring it out and total devastation comes along.  Things of value are gone, trust is gone, hope is dashed for a few moments and then begins the process of rebuilding.  There's the quiet time, where they are going through it, stuck in their mind, processing all the information as to what they've done.  At some point in time, they try turning the blame on you and making you feel guilty about some part you played in it but it's not about you and still you have that part of it.  Then , as the shame wears off, they start making plans again, trying to figure out how to fix it, everything is supposed to be alright and you better not act any different.  You start putting the building back together, brick by brick, doing what is necessary to fix the current situation, starting over for the millionth time.

I've been stuck in a loop for fifteen years.  Yes, for fifteen long, frustrating ,he can never get it right years.

He's not honest about it.  He won't tell on it.  If you give him some money you have just launched him into the abyss.  

Things walk away, vehicles get tore up, he comes in with his tail between his legs, looking like a six year old who has broken his mother's favorite vase, takes a bath and goes to bed.  No "I'm sorry,", no explanation whatsoever, but you know all hell has broken loose once again and it costed you something along the way.

I could be wrong, but I don't think I've ever even heard an, "I'm sorry baby."

It's not for the faint of heart.

Over and over again I have to practice trusting, even though I'm still jumping out of bed to make sure he's still here, to know where my pocket book and all the keys are, to reassure myself of something.  It's insanity really, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

In the end I'm always the one left standing in the middle of the wreckage, feeling taken advantage of, lied to, beat down, bills to pay, at the beginning of a long journey I've made more than a hundred times.  I'm the one who begins to build again, to pick up the pieces, to start gluing it all back together.  

It sucks.

It's been going on so long, I don't even tell people when it happens anymore.  Why should they care?  He's my problem and somehow his problems have become my problems.  They couldn't possibly understand the pain of those moments, unless they've been there before and no one likes a cry baby.

You can't say certain things, you can't have certain opinions, you can't put safety measures into place because he's not honest about it and he's not going to share the information with anyone else, because God forbid they might be of some help when the time comes.

I'm not participating any longer.

I'm not replacing things.

I'm not paying anyone money.

I'm not doing it!  

I've set the boundaries and he has to find something to go after.  

I refuse to continue to live this way.

It's not living, it's constantly watching your life implode, everything you worked for to get to today gone in the blink of an eye.

In the end I feel like he doesn't care, because he never has to take any responsibility for it.  He doesn't have a job to start trying to play catch up, the dang job is what put him back in the streets to start with.  His male pride won't let him admit he needs to do something, he can't handle money, that it's all bigger than him and he needs to do something about it.

We never get ahead, I start over at this starting point marked devastation.

You have to find a way to live through it. to be who you are called to be, to keep the course of your own journey.

It makes them very hard to love.

Some of us are living in expectancy of an apology we are never going to get.

I've been there so that makes it's an even bigger mystery to me.

What makes me able to stop and not care that he doesn't have?

There are never anymore answers than there are questions.

In the last couple of days, it's been worse than usual, but I am not defeated.

After the initial anger and pain wore off I made a decision and it was by far the best decision I've ever made in my life.

I sat down and put some worship music on and began to talk to my Father.  I started out crying and hurt and ended up laughing and loved.  I merely soaked in His presence.  He loves me.  It doesn't matter to Him what's going on, all that is important is our love affair with one another.

I've painted and listened to music and told Him all my problems and He's loved me back with such fierceness I was healed of everything.  I didn't matter what he was doing.  It didn't matter where he was.  It didn't matter what he's going to do next, nothing else mattered but God, the creator of the universe loves me and was spending time with me in my moment of darkness,

A great peace came over me and I didn't even care anymore.

I keep seeing all of it as new testimony, new territory.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

Halleluiah!

I don't know if he'll ever figure it out, but as for me, I've got stuff to do, I'm trying to usher in the kingdom for him and everyone else.  I've got territory to take and my ministry is just now getting off the ground.  I will not be discouraged.

I believe His promises.

I'm stepping out of the loop, I'm not participating or living there anymore.  The boundary lines have been drawn and I'm sticking to them.  I have the right to peace.  I have the right to freedom.  I have been set free, it no longer holds bondage for me and I'm not going to voluntarily chain myself to it.

Take my advice, the next time you are going through pure hell, sit down, put some music on, begin to thank God for all He's done for you, dump all your garbage on Him and take your peace.

I'm pretty sure it makes you glow.