Just for today, the sorrow subsided. There was no crying, no feelings of helplessness, no voice constantly chattering inside my head. My heart was quiet, no screaming out in pain, thank God.
We all have stuff: things we don't want others knowing, secrets, shame, things we can't quite put our finger on. Our minds want to have it all figured out, everything nice and organized, answers to every question. There are times in life when this just isn't possible.
We hide.
We hide behind our masks, our emotions, where we think no one can see us. We walk around with permanent grin on our face because we don't want anyone knowing the raging storm that's going on inside us.
It's too much. It's embarrassing. What will they think?
I don't know why God gives me all these assignments to be a voice, other than He knows I'm a willing vessel. He and I have gone round and round about this one.
It was my only secret, mental illness.
Just for today I felt normal, whatever that is.
What is normal?
nor·mal
ˈnôrməl/
adjective
- 1.conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
synonyms: usual, standard, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected,wonted; More
- 2.technical(of a line, ray, or other linear feature) intersecting a given line or surface at right angles.
noun
- 1.the usual, average, or typical state or condition.
"her temperature was above normal" - 2.technicala line at right angles to a given line or surface.
It's safe to say I've never been normal. LOL. It's just a label we stick on things, like the labels we stick on everything else. I can appreciate things needing description but we've gone way over the edge with the labeling of everything.
We're all uniquely, fearfully and wonderfully made.
We're children of God, how does this happen to us?
I don't have any answers but when I do you can bet I'm going to shout them from the rooftops, I'm going to help anyone I can with what I've learned and I'm going to be well again and much longer this time.
I've reached out to someone I trust and she's coming to my house tomorrow after she gets out of class. She's still going to school, has been going to school almost the entire time I've known her and I trust her with my heart and what we will talk about.
Who knows? I might end up being her thesis. I might end up being her first success story. I might end up finding out things about myself I don't know.
I don't know what's going to happen anymore than the next person does, but I'm not going to let this destroy my life again. I'm not going to fall into this like I would the arms of a lover and let it embrace me. I'm not going to deal with this the way I did in the past either.
My sister called today to check on me. She was the first person I said it out loud to. "I'm pretty sure I'm sick again sis." You can't imagine how crazy that sounds to me, knowing who I am and who I belong to. Jesus is not mentally ill, so how do I walk through as He is, so am I in this world, knowing this is something I can't ignore. Ignoring it won't make it go away.
Its these things that don't line up with scripture, with the journey, that completely contradict our identity.
More questions, even less answers.
Grrrrrrrr.
Just for today, I'm okay.
Praise God.
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