On My Own

I never would have thought at 47 I would be single.  I've been on my own for over a year now, but I've been on my own for most of my life.  In saying I've been on my own, I mean no children, no man, no one, just the dogs and me.  It's the longest period of time ever I've been on my own.  I've always had a house full of strays of some sort, whether it be people or animals.  When I lay something down, it's there when I go back.  If the place is a mess I have no one to blame but myself.

I am not lonely, by any means, I have plenty to do, people come by every day all day and most nights.  

I don't have any friends to speak of.  I have acquaintances, people I have known my whole life, people I went to school with, people I go to church with, my children, but someone I totally hang out with, no.  I am very close with one daughter in law and my ex daughter in law, but friends, nope.

I have connections, with Facebook, but it really isn't the kind of interaction you would have in close friendships, where you get to see the person, be in their company, hug them.

There are days when I feel like everyone is rubbing their relationship in my face, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way.  Happy Anniversaries to one another, mentioning the years, make me want to scream and I can't even really say why.

I don't have to deal with anyone's drama, I don't have to do anyone's laundry, there is no one to distract me or make demands on my time and still I long for a relationship