Motherly Guilt

I don't understand it!  I need a break, I've been through a lot, the baby has been out of control.  Why oh why do I feel this guilt?

The other day Peg came over to watch him so I could get out of the house, the entire time I was gone, I was totally rushing to get back!

When my boys were little I laid in bed many many nights crying, feeling like all I did all day long was yell at and hit people!  It was terrible, I was so ill equipped.

Now I'm back in the mother's seat, more patient, older, wiser, getting my second chance at the whole motherhood thing.

I needed a break!  So why do I feel so guilty?  Why do I miss him so much?  Why can't I feel good about letting him live his own little life?

It's crazy!

The screaming, the yelling, the dinosaur sounds, the squealing and the back talk (even though it's hilarious because he's so damned cute, with his finger pointing), it's so much some days!

Why oh why do I feel guilty?

I didn't feel this guilt with my own children!

Let's keep it real with my own children I felt like it was three against one and they were out to get me and I was exhausted, stressed to the max and didn't have any of the coping skills I have today.

There are moments I get to be in and they are so good!  Moments I know I didn't get to enjoy with my own, moments I didn't know how to enjoy with my own.  There are these funny amazing and miraculous things he does and for the life of me I can't remember that far back to those times.

He cracks me up, he makes me want to scream and he makes me count and breathe and pause because I really don't want to hit him.  I see him, his problems, his losses, his current situation and I don't want to hit him.

I hope my sons can forgive me, because I was an ass whipping, didn't matter who did or didn't do it, ask questions later kind of mother.  If I had to hit one, I hit them all and I'd given fair warning before it even got that out of hand!

Yes it's overwhelming, yes he wears me out, yes there is much screaming and drama that takes place in the course of  a day and yes I needed some quiet time, but why oh why do I feel so guilty?